I used to dream I would get married to that boy. I thought he was the one, and I was so happy... But when it turned out to be untrue, and my whole world came crashing down, I was lost. How cliche to say this, but then I was found. Chris found me. I found him. By coincidence, my best friend introduced us, kind of. First thought? "He's kind of cute... And he doesn't even care I'm here." He made an impression on me that day, even though his nose was in his phone talking to the girl he really liked at the time. But I still had the chance to get close to him, and I guess I made an impression on him too. :)
It's amazing how things change. I didn't hate Easton at the beginning, but as time went by I gradually started to. But now, I don't care. We're even friends lately. And to be honest, I really hope he and this new girl he likes make it, unlike he and I. I hope he goes up in the ranks of jobs and finds something he really enjoys doing. I hope she doesn't pressure him into something, like college, or a job he doesn't like, like I almost did. I hope they take it slow like Chris and I are (well, we haven't taken it slow in the sex department, but you know what I mean). I even hope I get to meet her one day because she's important to him. And he is important to me. He knows the most about me, out of anyone, and I can guarantee this. He was a big impact on my life, and he changed me, I think for the better in most aspects. And we're friends. He'll always listen to me complain and hate life, and give me good advice or comfort about it. He's a pretty good guy, he's just not one for commitment, like I wanted.
Chris is the same way, he's not ready for ANY kind of commitment... But I hope he keeps me around long enough to maybe even look into that light...
I have to admit, I am so glad that Chris asked me out and we started dating. In many ways he's SO MUCH BETTER than Easton ever could have been. Especially lately, because when we're together he stops playing games and hangs out with me even though I don't ask him to. And he hugs me and holds me. He loves me, and squeezes me, and kisses me, and ho man, I'm gonna cry! When we're together, he's THERE for me. For everything. Even when I'm so upset and crying, and even when I don't want to, he makes me tell him what's wrong which inevitably makes me feel a whole lot better. I feel like I could never thank him enough for caring for broken old me. He's helping put back the pieces that Easton broke, and even though I'm still not all there, I'm getting better. Even the depression. Instead of lasting for multiple awful hours, it's down to about an hour or so.
Before Easton broke up with me I had almost 0 depression. But I guess it was really traumatic for some reason and now I have chronic depression and loneliness. And I'm always scared. I'm afraid of him, and what he'll do, because I don't know his habits fully, and I don't know who he talks to, I don't know all of him, except for that he gets angry easily, and is a relatively happy person. But I love him even though I'm scared. Even though a lot of the time I'm afraid, because I think to much and think "What's going to happen?" and then end up trying to push him away, even though that's the last thing I want to do... But he still loves me. After all the words I've written, all the sentences I have spoken, the negative, the wonderful, the fearful... Never had I imagined to find someone so amazing in this way. And he always thinks of me too, and sends me silly things every now and then. And sometimes I make him upset and I try to apologize, but he just says to forget it. And I'm STILL afraid, but he's holding my hand, and the fear is getting less and less as days go on. But it might take a while... Will he still be there when it's gone? Is it ok to give my whole heart to him, not just pieces? These are questions I can't answer. But he told me, very clearly, and more than once... I've said "Don't give up on me." And he's replied, "I won't." And with everything we have been through, this I can say... I believe him.
Something amazing I find about Chris is that I don't know his inner working at all. I never know what he's thinking, although sometimes I can guess what words or actions he'll take. Also, he's so hard to buy presents for! ><
... Man... How things change, right? Chris and I keep getting closer, and have gone longer than anyone else I've ever been with/had feelings for. And my feelings grow more and more everyday. But I've let myself slip and have used these lines, "if we get married," or "if we ever live together," and I need to stop. Maybe after we've been together for a full year or two and are thinking about independent living, we/I can think about those things. I'm afraid I'll scare him off. Something else I'm afraid of, because it's happened before... But I like to think of the future, that future. I hope we can talk about these things in mutual agreement one day. That will be a happy day. Also he did say "we" when I asked if we could get a dragon. XD
He was like "If we can afford it, we can get a Komodo dragon." That made me really happy, even though he might not have seriously meant it the way I would have liked. I just told him not to ruin it, and he obliged. As long as I was happy.
... What brought all of this on, was marriage songs. Like, the first song you and your spouse dance to as a new couple? Yeah... And it made me think, and reflect, and feel love for the possible future. And now I just think, "What will this song be?"
I can't wait for the day we choose that song. :)
It's amazing how things change. I didn't hate Easton at the beginning, but as time went by I gradually started to. But now, I don't care. We're even friends lately. And to be honest, I really hope he and this new girl he likes make it, unlike he and I. I hope he goes up in the ranks of jobs and finds something he really enjoys doing. I hope she doesn't pressure him into something, like college, or a job he doesn't like, like I almost did. I hope they take it slow like Chris and I are (well, we haven't taken it slow in the sex department, but you know what I mean). I even hope I get to meet her one day because she's important to him. And he is important to me. He knows the most about me, out of anyone, and I can guarantee this. He was a big impact on my life, and he changed me, I think for the better in most aspects. And we're friends. He'll always listen to me complain and hate life, and give me good advice or comfort about it. He's a pretty good guy, he's just not one for commitment, like I wanted.
Chris is the same way, he's not ready for ANY kind of commitment... But I hope he keeps me around long enough to maybe even look into that light...
I have to admit, I am so glad that Chris asked me out and we started dating. In many ways he's SO MUCH BETTER than Easton ever could have been. Especially lately, because when we're together he stops playing games and hangs out with me even though I don't ask him to. And he hugs me and holds me. He loves me, and squeezes me, and kisses me, and ho man, I'm gonna cry! When we're together, he's THERE for me. For everything. Even when I'm so upset and crying, and even when I don't want to, he makes me tell him what's wrong which inevitably makes me feel a whole lot better. I feel like I could never thank him enough for caring for broken old me. He's helping put back the pieces that Easton broke, and even though I'm still not all there, I'm getting better. Even the depression. Instead of lasting for multiple awful hours, it's down to about an hour or so.
Before Easton broke up with me I had almost 0 depression. But I guess it was really traumatic for some reason and now I have chronic depression and loneliness. And I'm always scared. I'm afraid of him, and what he'll do, because I don't know his habits fully, and I don't know who he talks to, I don't know all of him, except for that he gets angry easily, and is a relatively happy person. But I love him even though I'm scared. Even though a lot of the time I'm afraid, because I think to much and think "What's going to happen?" and then end up trying to push him away, even though that's the last thing I want to do... But he still loves me. After all the words I've written, all the sentences I have spoken, the negative, the wonderful, the fearful... Never had I imagined to find someone so amazing in this way. And he always thinks of me too, and sends me silly things every now and then. And sometimes I make him upset and I try to apologize, but he just says to forget it. And I'm STILL afraid, but he's holding my hand, and the fear is getting less and less as days go on. But it might take a while... Will he still be there when it's gone? Is it ok to give my whole heart to him, not just pieces? These are questions I can't answer. But he told me, very clearly, and more than once... I've said "Don't give up on me." And he's replied, "I won't." And with everything we have been through, this I can say... I believe him.
Something amazing I find about Chris is that I don't know his inner working at all. I never know what he's thinking, although sometimes I can guess what words or actions he'll take. Also, he's so hard to buy presents for! ><
... Man... How things change, right? Chris and I keep getting closer, and have gone longer than anyone else I've ever been with/had feelings for. And my feelings grow more and more everyday. But I've let myself slip and have used these lines, "if we get married," or "if we ever live together," and I need to stop. Maybe after we've been together for a full year or two and are thinking about independent living, we/I can think about those things. I'm afraid I'll scare him off. Something else I'm afraid of, because it's happened before... But I like to think of the future, that future. I hope we can talk about these things in mutual agreement one day. That will be a happy day. Also he did say "we" when I asked if we could get a dragon. XD
He was like "If we can afford it, we can get a Komodo dragon." That made me really happy, even though he might not have seriously meant it the way I would have liked. I just told him not to ruin it, and he obliged. As long as I was happy.
... What brought all of this on, was marriage songs. Like, the first song you and your spouse dance to as a new couple? Yeah... And it made me think, and reflect, and feel love for the possible future. And now I just think, "What will this song be?"
I can't wait for the day we choose that song. :)