But I'm not kidding, my heart pounds just thinking about the sweet sexual things he does. Ah! <3
I love my boy, guys.
I'm not going to lie that I wish Chris would say more romantic things to me (like "I'm so glad you're mine" or "You're my beautiful girl" or "I'm lucky you're mine, and not another's" or even "Let's go on a date!" anything like that, you know? XD), but I'm starting to definitely not mind it. I like how he speaks to me most of the time (and when he's not upset/angry). It's almost crass and asshole-y in a way a lot of the time. Because as per his words, he is an asshole. However at the same time, those things have the hint of "You're mine" behind then... And sometimes, he's really sweet and amazing with his words too, you know? The little surprising wonderful things he does make me more happy than something that was super extravagantly planned ever could. And that's special to just us. And I love it. Makes me think of when he wrote on my dry-erase board. And when I was doing homework and he sat behind me with his legs on either side of me. And when he'd just grab me, and kiss me. Phew, he makes my heart go doki-doki. XD
But I'm not kidding, my heart pounds just thinking about the sweet sexual things he does. Ah! <3 I love my boy, guys.
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Chris came to see me last night, like he said! I WAS up his ass about it because it was important to me, and because he never told me for sure until after voodoo ended last night that he was coming. I just had to make sure, you know? And he was in an amazing mood, when I wasn't. I was kind of upset at him. And I told him some of the problems I/we were having that needed to be fixed. I still don't think he should have said fuck off to me. That's never ok... But it's whatever now. I told him that from now on, I'm sticking up for myself more, too. And I won't apologize for every argument we get into like I have been doing. Unless it's truly all my fault that it started, I'm not apologizing. Because he hasn't been apologizing to me for any of the hurtful things he's ever said, and what not. I'm not dwelling, but that's how it is, the end. He did tell me that as we've gone deeper into this relationship that I've gotten more clingy? But I think that's bullshit because I don't bother him nearly as much now since school has started (and we're 5 and a half months into this, obviously as time goes by, I would want to be with him MORE not less. I'm just not that kind of person). Maybe during the weekends I can seem a bit more pushy to see him, but only because it's so much less during the summer. I don't get to see him often, like last weekend OR THIS weekend. FUCK VOODOO, FUCKING UGHKHDGJSHDVCJHV. But yeah... That's like coming up on 3 weeks that I haven't seen him. Well technically I saw him for an hour last night, and I may see him for an hour tonight as well, but that's 2 hours out of a whole two and a half days... That's not fair to me who isn't like him. I want to see him more often than he cares to see me. And personally I think he needs to cater to me as much as I need to cater to him (Which is a lot, because he's a hard person to deal with sometimes... Just like me...), and he should make time for me when he's here, voodoo or fucking not. Sigh. I didn't get to ask him any of the really pressing questions I wanted to ask, because those bad hurtful feelings were washed away when I saw him... He has this magic about him. If ever I'm really upset, like I have been this past week, he can't just text me and make it better, I need to see him, and interact with him. And when I do, I forget all of the worries of our relationship and just go with it. And he was SO happy and bouncy... I just forgot what I wanted to ask him anyway. He confirmed that you can't equate the love of a person. He said he loved me more that I think, and I'm sure it's true. He's stuck with me this whole time through all of the shit I put him through, and I don't know who would do that if they didn't truly love their partner. The same goes for me, god knows I've been put through some kinda shit by him. But I have not given up and I don't plan to. I think for some reason this past week was just especially lonely for me. I REALLY needed him and he was barely there for me at all, and that made me even more upset. I have to get used to the fact that he's not this magnificent wizard romantic lover who will do anything for me. He's a realistic human being who wants me to stand on my own two feet, and I understand that. Love isn't all fun and games, it's work too. Personally I think he could stand to put a little more effort and work into our relationship and make more time for me, but that's not him... Maybe he'll learn to do that more as we go further in our relationship, but who knows. Same for me, I'm not everything he wants me to be, but he's going to have to deal with that. SOME things I'm willing to change for him, to cater to his personality. Those things about me are easy to change and not that big of a deal, and would probably make me a better person by changing, so I'm happy to do that. (I kind of wish he were like that, had that mentality, but he's way too fucking stubborn. XD) But there are some things, like my curiosity and my love of asking questions, that I will not change. Oh hell to the fucking no. I'm nosy, whether he likes it or not, and that's who I am. I don't think it hurts anyone, so why do I have to stop? If people ask me to stop, I will, mostly. But he's just a little different because in MY mind (which is probably not too good a thing to think, but...) a boyfriend shouldn't keep secrets from his girlfriend and vice versa. I may withhold information from him, but if he asks me about it, I'll tell him. I'm not shy. But he doesn't tell me ANYTHING. Which obviously makes me want to pry deeper. Which is no good. I think he should just tell me the premise of what I want to know and then tell me "I don't want to talk about it anymore" and I'll stop. I don't see the harm in that. BUT curiosity killed that cat, you know. I guess I do need to be careful about what I'm questioning... EH.
ANYWAY, whoa, got way off track. Chris and I spent some WELL FUCKING NEEDED time together, alone (I graciously thank thee, Christian). And we talked, which I needed. And we fucked, which we BOTH needed. And he cheered me up with he needed, I think. I really just needed to see him. Like you have no idea... And he wrote "Cheer the hell up" on my dry-erase board. I didn't even ask him! He's learning. <3 On another note, there was an owl outside my house in my neighbor's tree last night, and it's hooting was so cute, I wanted to share it, but no one was awake. Meh... Oh, and I recorded myself singing a song... And no one commented on it or liked it... And that really hurt me. Because I'm going to be a singer as a profession... Like, it's bullshit. Not even Chris listened to/commented on/liked it... Very upsetting. Mmmm... And that's about it. "WOW. FUCK OFF."
... What did I do to warrant that? Saying that I want to see you? OH. OK. I just want to be fucking happy. But by telling me that, you have damaged my self conscious and my confidence. And from you, I hope you regret that you said that. I want a sincere apology. I hope you're sorry for how you made ME feel tonight. Alone, unloved, unwanted... Like a mistake... Because I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong so why do I get yelled at? However, if you truly aren't sorry, then we really need to talk. I need to see you and we need to have a conversation This weekend, if possible. And now I wait. Never really matters, does it? Hmmm.But you know most of the time I'm fine with it, whatever, might as well give the other person what THEY want to get them to shut up. But when I do it, it's not fucking tolerated, is it? Nope.
"Sing for me!" No... "Then I'm mad at you." WHAT THE FUCK, I DON'T FEEL LIKE SINGING. Can I come visit you? "Doubt it, cause voodoo." Oh, ok. On the back burner. For something you don't even know if you can go to. For 2 weeks. When you said you'd come see me. Guess not! Go ahead, get mad at me. Go ahead, do what you want. I just can't do anything. I'm going to use this as an EXAMPLE. Sometimes when I go to see Chris in Baton Rouge, he'll stop playing games and talking to people to hang out with me. You have no idea how much I appreciate it, but I never asked him to. I did ONCE, during the summer. But I haven't after that. If I bring my computer, I can occupy myself. I won't be bored as long as another person is in the room. But he's like "No, I just won't cause you'll get mad." ... But I really won't. Now for two fucking weeks, yeah I would. It's not all the time I'm agitated about that shit. BUT I AM UPSET RIGHT NOW. I AM SO UPSET. FUCK FUCKING VOODOO, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Yeah I knew about VooDoo, but YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU CAN GO. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE. GO TO VOODOO. IGNORE ME. HAVE FUN. I. AM. DONE. If YOU want to see ME? You better make it happen, I am SO PISSED. Mood swing. I only half mean that. I don't want to be ignored. I want him to come to me for once, but I'm still willing to see him. I FUCKING LOVE HIM, UGH. I am REALLY upset and probably making bad wording choices and poor judgement right now. I want him so bad... I'm just so tired you guyssssss, I'm so tired of trying so harddddddd. I'm trying to make it to where he can be happy! I'm trying hard for HIM. Why isn't he trying for me? At least that's how it feels and if that's how it feels I can only assume that's what's happening. Chris if you read this, how hard are you trying for this relationship? Are games more important that us? What would you do to keep me? Would you even try to keep me if I decided I wanted to end it? (Which I don't, it's just a hypothetical question that I'd LOVE to hear the answer to.) He'll get mad at this if he reads it, he may even get really pissed and tell me not to come over, but I don't care, my diary, my blog, MY REAL FEELINGS. Which as my boyfriend, he should be conscious of and try to work thing out with. My feelings that I feel are being placed on the back burner so that HE'S happy. I understand he gets upset every now and then when I make a mistake, or at his mother, but... I don't know. He's still with me. I'm sure he's getting sick of me though... Should I stand up for myself more? Or would that drive HIM away? I'm so bleh... SOMEONE HELP ME, MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP AND UNDERSTANDING. HELP ME. So tired of all this shit. I'm just not even going to fucking care anymore. About anything. I'm. Done.
So today there was Japan Fest at NOMA (New Orleans Museum of Art). I went to Japan Fest once before a few years ago and it was awesome! I really wanted to go today! But did I? NO. Because I woke up feeling like utter shit! Terrible awful headache, and super nausea. I took Tylenol AND Ibuprofen along with Gaviscon which is an anti-acid. And by about... 4:50pm I started feeling better. Which didn't help that Japan Fest was from 10am to 5pm... Oh well, I found that there is another scheduled Japan Fest on November 8th, so we're good. Then Willie (my new college friend) who was planning to go told me he didn't and practiced for this gig he had today, which I don't blame him. I can't wait to hear it! And Alysia, who I was also planning to go with decided she'd rather stay home and kill zombies. So I really didn't miss much, and we all just decided November 8th would be the better day. And then Jo-el texted me saying I "needed to go out" or something. And I told her that I was feeling terrible and she was like "Ok, well I'll bring you soup!" And I told her she didn't have to (I didn't really want her to come over) but she ended up being like "Nah, I'll be there around 5, with soup." And so I was like... "Ok... well if you're gonna get me soup, I want French Onion soup made this way from Applebee's." So I was like, "Ok, free yummy soup, whatevs." ANYWAY, Chris wanted to go to Japan Fest because of some sword drawing and the N.O. kendo club. But those were like, early morning events. I wanted to see the kaminari taiko drummers, because taiko drumming is amazing... And just walk about to see everything else and reminisce. BUT, Chris went to a concert last night and didn't get out until around 2:30am? So needless to say he was tired this morning and fell back asleep after like a 10am text. Then he had to do stuff with Christian or what the fuck ever, I don't care... But Christian was up in BR, so. Because I was feeling bad and wanted a visit, Chris WAS planning on coming back for me. But then he found out Jo-el was coming over, so he decided against it... Now, I have to admit that was TOTAL douchbaggery right there. Like that was just plain mean. And he'll be pissed I said that, but I don't care because it really was... But I got over it, because that was the right thing to do. And once I got over it and stopped whining and crying, we talked for a bit. I have to say, all the crying and just... talking to my boyfriend really made me feel a LOT better. I don't know how or why, but after we hung up, my nausea was pretty much gone and my headache was more than half way gone. It made me happy. He, in the end, as always, made me happy. :)
Then while still in my room (cause I talk on the phone in my room only, pretty much), on the computer, I found that wirrow, from hitRECord, wrote a creation story called outsiders, and they needed voice over artists to read the text for the story. So I pulled up audacity and read the story in my most mythical voice! I hope I did well, and I probably, more than likely, won't be chosen for the video, but I gave wirrow one more choice of voice, so I'm happy about that. It made me excited to make my first contribution to a collaboration! I hope to make many more in the future. I love HitRECord. :D But yeah, so after that, I went back to watching cute puppies and kittens and animals on Animal Planet in the living room (cause my room was, and still is freezing...), and I told him that if we ever live together, we need an animal. I don't care what, as long as it's cute and a baby. XD And then eventually, Jo-el came and brought me my soup and it was DELICIOUS. And Lauren went to see Jessie's play, and mom and dad went to the St. Cletus (my elementary school) Oyster Fest (WHICH I CAN HEAR FROM MY ROOM BTW, SINCE IT'S LIKE 7 MINUTES AWAY, ACROSS THE GODDAMN CANAL). And I wanted to go, but still was feeling the awkward body effects, you know? And I didn't want to jinx it by going out, even though I really miss the Oyster Fest. :/ But after I ate the soup... LORD JESUS! My headache was 1/8 what it was when I woke up, and my nausea was gone. And Jo-el and I watched America's Funniest Home Video's while waiting for Hocus Pocus to come on ABC family. And then I pretty much ruined the movie for her with all of my "observations" about it. Because I could. :3 After it was over, it was 9pm, so she decided to leave. She dislikes driving when it's too late. So she left and then I came in my room and watched the GAME GRUMPS videos that were uploaded today. HILARIOUS as always, those guys. You should watch it, I made a hyperlink on their name. ♥ ANYWAY AGAIN, now, I'm watching Tim... build roller coasters... Waiting (as I always shall be) for Chris to text me whenever. I guess he's gaming. Eh. Whatever. And trying to make my eyes stop burning from like, 5 o'clock. XD OVERALL, today has been ok. This morning sucked so bad. But now, I'm content and pretty happy. Emotionally, a little exhausted, I'd say. But still happy. I'm looking forward to sleep tonight, because while I'm awake, I would rather it be a tad warmer... But when I go to sleep, the cold will be refreshing when I move. Eeeeee, excited for that. Actually, excited for winter! And I'm also looking forward to tomorrow. Because Chris PROMISED he'd Skype with me, since he didn't come back for me this weekend (which made the crying stop that much quicker)! And he doesn't break or forget his promises. So, I'm excited for that too, because I do miss him dearly, obviously. He's my baby. :> BUT FOR NOW? CHEESE BREAD FROM DOMINO'S OH YES. LATER GATORS~ So, what if I cut off all the ways of getting in contact with me? What will you do? My Skype is on, but it's on "Do Not Disturb" mode, so I won't get audible notices. Even if I see one, I'm probably not going to respond. I closed my Facebook, Twitter, AND tumblr tabs. I turned off my phone. I'm just so tired, I don't want to talk to ANYONE. So now I'm watching all the anime I've been wanting to watch but haven't got a chance to, on hulu, thanks to Christian. I'm actually not so upset anymore, maybe it's because I removed all obstacles of feeling. I've removed myself from the world, except for this. I just don't want to care anymore, it's nothing but trouble. I wish I were a passive being, but now that it's gotten to me, I just can't deal anymore. I'll tell Twitter that I updated this, but after that, I'm closing it. I'm tired of emotion. Out.
I really wish Chris wouldn't say "I dunno" to EVERYTHING I ever ask. I wish he'd take some time to think about it or something. Why can't he do that, I don't understand? I just wish he'd give me some answers every now and then. Right now I want to know how he would describe me to someone else. Would he tell them how much he loves me? Would he say I was cute? Difficult? Annoying? Amazing? I don't know... Because he won't answer it... And I don't know why. And that makes me sad. I could describe him, if I were asked. But I haven't been asked, so I won't. What does he think about me? How much does he love me? Why does he say "I dunno" to everything? BLEHHHHHHH, ADD. But that's dumb.
So I'm thinking about the future today! I don't know why, I guess watching TLC has gotten me thinking about it. But you know, I'm really excited for the future and what it holds. Will I get married younger, or older? Will the wedding be big or small? Will I live in an apartment or a house when I move in with someone? Will I have children? WHAT COLORS?! Who knows!
Lets touch on these things. First of all, marriage. Personally, I'd like to get married in a few years, 25-30. I know Chris wants to get married at like, 30... But it's the future, things change, who knows where we'll go from here? (BTW, we make 5 months Monday, excitement!) So, I'm 19 now, and I don't want to get married like, NEXT YEAR, but maybe a little older, but not too old. Because I feel like, children, if I end up wanting them, I'd rather have them before I turn 30, if possible. But more towards the 27-30's, I'd think... It's hard because girls like to plan a lot more than guys. But if I choose to have children with someone, I'd rather know them for a while before having possible children with them. I need to know it can work for years before we bring children into the world. And who knows about their names, I've thought and thought about that, but... If Chris and I get married one day, Skye is a definite name possibility. It's such an amazing name, too. I love it. But other than that, I have NO idea! Anyway, I only want to be married once. To the person I'm deeply in love with. NOW, wedding size! I want a medium sized wedding, hahah. I feel like if it's really big, it will be a lot of money. I don't want to spend THAT much. His family, my family, some best friends, and some family friends, I guess. We'll have to compromise on a cake, cause I like vanilla/strawberry so much. We'll see. FOR FOOD, I want a big buffet, to accomodate ALL people there. Vegetarians, meat lovers, pasta lovers, children. I see so many weddings on TLC and my cousin's weddings with things I can't eat because I'm that picky... There will be steak and Caesar salad, though, definitely. I won't have anything else. :3 Hahahah, I'm so bad. I think the most we'll spend may be on the food. XD Venue? Something nice... I really have no idea about that stuff. Where we could either do it inside OR outside, maybe? Because I don't know when I'll get married, if ever. It depends on time of day, time of year, all that influential stuff. Somewhere where the reception can either be in the same place, or close to it. Also, the time between the ceremony and the reception can be anywhere from 30 minutes to 2/3 hours. It depends on what my friends and lover would tell me about it they'd want to go home and rest, or change, or just go right there. Also, out of state? Probably not, but that also depends on job placement, I guess. May get married in Louisiana, may get married somewhere else, if that's where I'm living at the time. Who knows! XD Speaking of when I want to get married... I think I might want to be engaged for a while before we get married. Because I'm not planning my wedding, these are just ideas and stuff. Jessica and John I think were engaged for two years before they got married? Because they wanted to finish school (which I actually want to do that too. I want to finish school, at least, before I get married.) But that gave them a lot of time to plan, and it's still a cushion time to make sure you still are in love and want to get married. It's a hard stressful time, I would assume. It pushes people. But uh... Yeah! Ring, I want simple, nice, not too big of a rock, ONE rock, not a whole bunch of little ones on the side. Ew. Dress? I want kind of simple too. No real bling, that shit is disgusting. Maybe sweetheart? No poofy princess shit either. Silk? I assume so. I don't go wedding dress shopping, I'm sure there are a lot of choices! I won't be hard to please though, and I want it to be pretty cheap. But I don't want it to be cocktail, short... No, no, no. And if I wear heals, small heals. XD In a few years, I'd like to live on my own, with or without someone, lover, or best friend, I don't know. I guess that depends on what goes on around me, when. But to be honest, I think I'd want to live in an apartment until I could build the home I want. Unless the person I'm with and I find like, the perfect home already built. I don't know, I'd want to build my own house, you know? Like "I created that with my boy, we will live there, and it will be everything we've ever wanted!" I want that. I don't know if that's too much to ask, but I want that... So, I think I covered everything! Future. Oh, as for my career... I want to be someone who helps others. But right now, I'm in the Music Education program. Maybe I could change it to Music Therapy? I don't know what that is though, I'd have to re-search. And I still hope one day to become a VA... That would be a dream come true. MAYBE I COULD DO BOTH! Hahahah. But I know that I won't make too much money no matter what I want to do, because everything that makes me happy, just doesn't rake in the dough, you know? But they're still things I want to do, lots of money or not. I can hope that I'll be with and marry someone who makes a lot of money with their job, but money isn't the least of my worries? But it's not the most. I want someone who loves me for me, can deal with me, and won't give up on me. In return, I'll give back those things. Relationships are work. Money? Sure it's important, you need it for everything, but as long as we both make enough to live ON OUR OWN, then it's enough for me. I don't need a rich boy. I just need a loving boy. Right now, (and I can hope for a really long time) Chris is that. And I'm so happy with him. I love him with all of my little heart. Yay, love! :) <3 LONG-ISH ENTRY WOOOOO! I dunno, ok, laters~ Guys, you know how much I love my boyfriend, right? No matter what. He hasn't done anything to result in this entry, I just have feelings. I wish he, and anyone else who needs to, could rely on me to make them happy. Or at least talk to them to get their mind off of whatever is bothering them. But he isn't that kinda guy, so he's said, many times... Which of course hurts me, but I can't change him. He's so amazing, just on his own. I think if he did some other things along with what he already does, like be a tiny bit more romantic, he would have all the girls wanting him. Then I'd HAVE to be like "Back off bitch, he's mine, aw yeah!" But no, I love who he is. He and I joke around and can be so very cute. He's my wonderful boy, and he loves me. I'm starting to push him away though, my last entry really hurt him. We ended up talking about it after I'd fucking bawled my eyes out, which made me feel better. I like talking to him about my problems... He makes me happy. And when he ignores me, I get so seriously upset. I don't want to push him away, what do I do? I don't know how I got the way I have, but it's bothersome. I am missing him a lot lately too... My love... is big. I can equate it and equivalent it to many things. I can say things, I don't think I'd regret. But I won't. Bleh. I don't know. I wish he'd text me back... I want to know if he feels better. I worry about him when he gets upset... ;___;
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