But I'm not kidding, my heart pounds just thinking about the sweet sexual things he does. Ah! <3
I love my boy, guys.
I'm not going to lie that I wish Chris would say more romantic things to me (like "I'm so glad you're mine" or "You're my beautiful girl" or "I'm lucky you're mine, and not another's" or even "Let's go on a date!" anything like that, you know? XD), but I'm starting to definitely not mind it. I like how he speaks to me most of the time (and when he's not upset/angry). It's almost crass and asshole-y in a way a lot of the time. Because as per his words, he is an asshole. However at the same time, those things have the hint of "You're mine" behind then... And sometimes, he's really sweet and amazing with his words too, you know? The little surprising wonderful things he does make me more happy than something that was super extravagantly planned ever could. And that's special to just us. And I love it. Makes me think of when he wrote on my dry-erase board. And when I was doing homework and he sat behind me with his legs on either side of me. And when he'd just grab me, and kiss me. Phew, he makes my heart go doki-doki. XD
But I'm not kidding, my heart pounds just thinking about the sweet sexual things he does. Ah! <3 I love my boy, guys.
0 Comments
So tired of all this shit. I'm just not even going to fucking care anymore. About anything. I'm. Done.
So, what if I cut off all the ways of getting in contact with me? What will you do? My Skype is on, but it's on "Do Not Disturb" mode, so I won't get audible notices. Even if I see one, I'm probably not going to respond. I closed my Facebook, Twitter, AND tumblr tabs. I turned off my phone. I'm just so tired, I don't want to talk to ANYONE. So now I'm watching all the anime I've been wanting to watch but haven't got a chance to, on hulu, thanks to Christian. I'm actually not so upset anymore, maybe it's because I removed all obstacles of feeling. I've removed myself from the world, except for this. I just don't want to care anymore, it's nothing but trouble. I wish I were a passive being, but now that it's gotten to me, I just can't deal anymore. I'll tell Twitter that I updated this, but after that, I'm closing it. I'm tired of emotion. Out.
I'm not good for anything. I feel useless. I feel like I can't help anyone do anything. I feel like I can't make anyone happy. I feel really dumb just because. And people never rely on me. When they do it's because the person they normally talk to is MIA. What really scares me is that I feel like you might be talking to someone else instead of me. Instead of just not talking to anyone at all. Ugh, I feel terrible. I don't know why I feel this way, but I don't want to live right now. I feel like I'm no good for anyone. What's the point of living if I can't help someone, or make someone happy? I don't understand. What's my purpose? I don't have one. It's scary. I'm scared no one cares. I feel like I tell people what I want but they ignore me or have an excuse to not compromise with me, so I drop it... But I don't like it. I want to be happy too. What makes me happiest is helping people. Why can't I just fucking do that? Oh, because no one relies on me, right. And I'm just sitting here crying, wondering why my boyfriend is upset, wondering what happened. I'm here thinking about my friends, and wondering what they complain about over Facebook or twitter... But no one tells me anything. I'm ALWAYS out of the loop. Sometimes I want to completely start over? And somehow make people feel better, get to know them better, I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I'm just so upsetttttt. I can't stop crying. It's really hard to write this because my eyes are blurry from tears...
Today isn't good at all. It was good this morning... I pet puppies, colored, made my own stress ball. I did well on my test today. And now this. I got home and found out the program I was majoring in is dissolving in 2014. What the actual fuck. I have no idea what to do now. I'm so stressed even my body is completely tensing and causing me pain, and as much as I want to help someone else, I wish someone could help and hold me... Never satisfied, there's always something wrong... I hate myself. Lately I've been really tired... I haven't been wanting to go to classes either. However, I'm like always bored. I get enough sleep though. I just never want to talk to anyone but one person, and that's annoying for me. I don't feel like hanging out with my friends... I'm starting to forget to do homework because I'm so tired. I need to stay after my class tomorrow and do some work. I'm starting to slack and that's not OK. Bleh... On the other hand, I bought a recorder today. It was $70 something all together... I need to experiment with it, because my lesson is tomorrow. And in other news, I'm supposed to have a date this weekend with Chris to see Looper and to go to dinner~ I'm really excited, because I've never been on one of these types of dates. And neither has he, obviously. I've always wanted to go one a date like this. Now I just have to get my parents to agree to let me go, which shouldn't be too hard. Sigh, my eyes burn. I'm tired. I think I'm going to experiment with my recorder and then hit the hay... I'm just not in an amazing mood, you know? Not bad, not good... Melancholic. Bleh. Anyway, update! I'll see ya.
Ok, I love having sex with my boy. For multiple reasons. Mostly because it's another, more intimate way to show my love for him. He makes the MOST adorable faces, like... Jesus, he's so goddamn cute. We have fun and get a workout! And I've said all of this before, but like... I really love it. But I'm the one who is always like "Lets have sex!" His body shows it, but he never asks to do it. And I half appreciate it, I half don't, because I want him to say he wants it, first. Before I even say anything. And I don't want him to think that's all I want when we're together. Although we won't see each other as much now because of school, but yeah. I dunno... I'm thinking too much about this... Mmmm... :(
Anyway, update I guess? So last week was my first week of school! But before that, Chris and I went on a date on the 15th for our anniversary. It was fun, we went to the Aquarium! And I saw him the rest of those days until he left Sunday. Yet again, I felt like he didn't want to really hang out... But whatever, it's done. So then school started and I got some supplies and went to school for my first class at 9am. It was nice, and different and I loved it. I'm excited for the rest of college now, and I hope I really stay on track and keep this ball rolling. So far I've been doing pretty good, although I failed my first english quiz... I didn't read the first chapter of the text. >< But yeah, my fundamentals of music class is a joke to me right now, because I know everything she's doing right now, like it isn't even funny. But hey, an easy A, I'll take it. And we've already gotten over 5 pieces of music for UNO Chorale! That's like a lot, it's so different from Doc's lessons and how she teaches/goes over music... But I like it, it's fun, we're all smart in there. (Although I'm the only freshman in UNO Chorale...) Friday was a little hectic for me because I had another class in between english and algebra (A University Success class or whatever), and then I had 10 minutes to get from the Mathematics building to the PAC (Performing Arts Center) which is a bit of a ways away. Because on most of my Fridays I'll have a Recital Hour instead of UNO Chorale, so. It's a music student thing. The weekend started and Chris didn't come home... gas... Sigh... But my dad had a gig in Baton Rouge! How lucky. So I went with him and Chris got me from the high school and we hung out and did stuff and ate stuff and it was fun and I love him and yep... So then we went home around 1:30/2am. I was soooo tired. Got home at 3am or so. Then I went to sleep, super quick. But then I woke up, and my mother told me that Hurricane Isaac is heading straight for us, pretty much. So wee, hurricane... I have a party to attend later, at Khadija's house, wooo. And Chris is not talking to me at all right now. I expect he's gaming/frustrated/packing to come home. Because his mom NEEDS the expedition, the car he's using (because his car is kinda broken). So, cool. I probably won't see him while he's home though... That fucking sucks, but I assume he wouldn't want to see me anyway, since we saw each other Saturday... WELP, I feel yucky emotionally, when I started writing this I felt ok, but now I'm like... upset... Body language of the people around me, and remembering and realizing some things made me upset. So bleh, I'm going to go to the mall real quick. Later. So I woke up early, ate food, and I had packed my shit the night before. I was just kind of waiting for Chris. Well, 12 came around and he got there and we were on our way. It rained a LOT, almost the ENTIRE way there, which was scary... But it's fine. Obviously the drive took an hour and a half, even with all the traffic because of the rain. We listened to Tri-State by Above & Beyond (which I think is my favorite album right now) the whole way there, and it was nice. I really like them! Nothing major happened on the way there, so I'll skip ahead. We finally got to the house he stays in for school, and we "unpacked" so to speak? I explored the whole house, it was cool, I felt really at home for some reason... Maybe because only Chris was there and I didn't have to worry about what someone would say about my snooping. We got there at about 2pm but his appt. was at 3:15pm, so we just hung around and did whatever. Talked, turned on the TV, blahblahblah. Eventually 3pm came, when he said he'd leave to go, but he wanted to double check the time and stuff I guess, but his computer was being retard, so he used mine. He left quick, and actually came back pretty quick. I had planned to take a shower while he was gone, but... There weren't really usable towels. There was Eric's towel (another kid who uses the house. it's his parent's house) but it was... kinda dirty looking? So I washed it. Thank you mother for teaching me how to fucking wash clothes! But Chris called me walking to the car to make plans for food (which we chose pizza, yum), he was on his way back and the washer had JUST finished washing that towel. I put it in the dryer, which took 30 minutes. He got back with about 10 minutes left on the thing, so I said "Alright, lets order the food, and I'll get in the shower while you wait for it, and if you want after it gets here you could maybe.. join me, hahah. The towel should also be done in 10 minutes, so could you bring it to me?" He agreed to this. So I was like almost finished showering, had shaved, washed everything, still no Chris. So I just decided to get out without him. He hadn't brought me the towel, so I called for him, I didn't know where he was... Apparently his mom was on the phone (and she didn't know I was there, and we weren't gonna tell her either) so I had jeopardized everything! But I didn't know... Anyway, so I got out and got the towel from the dryer on my own. Chris had walked outside, but the door's lock was on, so he couldn't get back in, I had to let him back in, heheh. Eventually, everything was all good, and since we were all alone, I just put on my underwear and my shirt, cause... Who cares right? It was just us. I ate some pizza, which was really good! Hungry Howie's is yummy and yes, I would like it again. Too bad it's not a chain in New Orleans... It'd be big! Anyway, we watched Harry Potter while we ate, and then well... after we ate, we did other things. ;D
After that, we just sat around and watched TV. It was really nice, in my opinion... And then we had a quicky right before it was time to go. WELL, turns out, we couldn't leave. The car's battery was out because the headlights were left on the entire time. So we had to call Christian to come jump start the car (which eventually worked after much thought and work). By that time it was 9:30pm or so? So we promptly left the house, left everything in the right place, cleaned up, you know, good stuff! On the way back, we just listened to trance and his music and stuff. We were also trying to find Christian while driving, since he left a little before us to get gas. (We found and caught up with him, indeed!) Once, Something About Us by Daft Punk came on, and he held out his hand to me. He held my hand through the entire song. I almost cried, hahah. I don't think he realized how amazing that was of him, and how much it meant to me. Music is my life, so the lyrics tell truth (you know, in fucking meaningful songs, not stupid rap, with "ASS ASS ASS ASS" or some shit, ugh)... And those lyrics were more true than any other song he could have chosen. I appreciated that. He really knows me under the surface. I think. I hope. XD If not, there might be some trouble. The same goes for me. I'd like to think I know him a bit under the surface too... But there's much more to learn. Anyway, we devised a plan to go to my house. On the way home from Baton Rouge, Chris called his mom and asked to come to my house. She said yes as long as he had a key. So we planned to meet up at the shell gas station near his house and I switched cars. While Chris went home and got his shit home, Christian and I went to Barnes & Noble. I like their Barnes & Noble, it was cool! Well, Chris called shortly after we got there and I got in the back seat and when we drove up to his house, I hid in the backseat and then got up once we were relatively out of site! YAY adventure! Long rest of the story short, we got to my house and then watched Doctor Who for pretty much the rest of the night. Well until 1am or so, then they decided to leave. Sigh, I hate when he leaves, but whatever, I guess. When he got home we actually talked A LOT over skype, like I'm surprised at how much we talked... He normally doesn't talk that long... Goes off to play a game or whatever, which I'm sure he did every now and then. Probably like right now... Sigh. http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/11411017712
http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/25790457484 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/10510414927 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/8745726901 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/17103410412/things-i-would-like-to-do-hold-you-touch-you http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/6062316555/i-wonder-if-i-will-ever-get-one-of-those-late-night http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/20450895457 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/9730683941 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/6149765513 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/8160765332 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/8655182657/i-am-the-ocean-i-cannot-stop-thinking-about http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/1578044998/lovequotesrus-photo-courtesy-bluquote http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/26894392123 Cliche? Maybe... I really don't fucking care right now... I don't know what I made this for and I can't remember what's what here... But they all lead to romantic/relationship things/saying/or whatever from my tumblr. I was going through my tumblr randomly and when I found something I thought was significant, I put it here. Welp... But my head's all jumbled up. All I know is that I hate to argue. And that right now I'm upset, but I can't exactly cry. I need a shower. I love my boyfriend. I can't wait for the beach tomorrow... Today SHOULD be good... I want people to come over and celebrate with me. And Thursday I'm turning 19. And I'm happy, but I'm melancholic right now. I want to see Chris and I want to talk to him face to face. And I want to love him. Sigh, my head is a mess right now and I don't know what I'm doing. I must be retarded.
I know I fall in love easily and quickly, and that doesn't mean it's not sincere, but really, I never imagined I'd fall in love with this boy that quick. This is not "I'm in love" when in reality I'm just lonely and want someone to lean on and to depend on, this is true feeling. I admit, I am a lonely person, and not very independent, but I'm learning to get over that! It isn't as hard as I thought it was! Of course, the independent part will take a little longer, and it would definitely help if I found a job... XD
But wow. I'm a little surprised, but at the same time excited. This is a new world, and I'm just learning how to walk. But it's hard when your new world is constantly shaking... My love isn't exactly unrequited, because he likes me and cares for me a lot, he says... But he's not really sure if he loves me. He used to say he did, but I made an argument about everything I thought was love, and I guess it kind of opened his eyes to it. I don't know if he's ever been in real love before, but it's very deep, and I felt that he wasn't showing that. So I said, "Everyone has their own way of loving. Love is more than what's on the surface though. You have to really look inside yourself to find out if you love me. To me, love is so deep. That I DO miss you when we're apart. I want to hold your hand all the time. When you get upset, I get upset, especially if it's my fault. When I say I love you I mean it. When you smile my heart swells. We have fun together, and I love being close to you. And to me, sex isn't an act, it's the deepest form of love. to me, this is the top layer of love and I definitely feel that for you. The bottom layer is wanting to share EVERYTHING with each other, sacrificing anything to be with the other, thinking about marriage, and, with love, we should be the most important person to the other. Do anything for each other." And I said I loved him. He's yet to really figure out how to deal with my clingy side, which I can be very clingy at times. I mean, who isn't clingy every now and then? I just happen to get really lonely sometimes (mostly at night, accompanied with depression) and want to be talked to, that's all... But if he's playing games, he's pretty much too preoccupied to text or skype back. So I just mope and get sad, obviously. And he'll get a bit frustrated because he doesn't like that I'd like to talk to him all the time. :/ Wow, that just made me really sad and tear up. >< But anyway, so, I do love him... I don't know about marriage or sharing EVERYTHING with him just yet... But other than that, I feel every word I said up there. I have, in fact, fallen for this boy, Chris. Now he just... needs to fall for me... For real. |