So, Easton and I have officially broken up. On March 27, 2012. We decided to start back from friends. It's not going as I'd hoped, but he's a sport. He keeps sticking through this with me, and I appreciate that. He is still going to prom with me. Crap, I forgot to ask if he still wants to go to my graduation too... I'll ask him later, I guess. A good thing about this happening is that I'm not so head over heels for him any more, that I can't see the bad. He's a terrible person right now. Still a great one, but he's not treating me like I think friends treat each other. Hopefully that gets better with time. Even if I'm not with him, I've come to terms with this situation. He and I are free. I'm free to flirt with whoever the fuck I want, and that makes me excited, I hate holding back. But I'm faithful. If he wants me back, and nothing is going on with me and another guy, I will go back to him... Which is a little sad I guess... But I do still love him. I always will. He's a great person. A wonderful human being, and I will never stop believing that. However... I won't wait forever. I don't care if he knows or not, I'm not waiting forever. And if I'm with some other guy by the time he wants me back, then EASTON will have to be the one to wait. I won't break up with someone just because of him, that's rude, unfair, and a horrible thing to do to. But anyway, at least I'm finally happy again. After a WEEK. I know, it's not that bad, some people go for months, YEARS of crying from their lost love... Well, I can't afford that. I honestly don't care anymore, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. I'll just talk to Tyler. (He's a dear friend, who's actually best friends with Easton. I met him before I met Easton though, at MechaCon III. I love him so much, he's so fun. If you ask me, he gets high a little too much. Also, he and I have always been attracted to each other, which makes for a fun time.) Anyway, Tyler and my friend Alysia and her friends really helped me cheer up yesterday. Which finally let me accept everything that's been happening. And I'm actually happy all of this did happen, it opened my eyes to flaws of his I could not see before. I actually wrote a rant, that I'll put under a "read more" link, for you to see what I did all of Friday. That rant and writing it was all I could think of to do, and it was another step for me to get better from this. I also believe that as I was thinking about things to say in that rant, I realized just how wrong everything had turned out to be and gradually started changing my outlook on the whole situation from writing this for hours. It took me a long time to think of some of this stuff, and I cried while writing it. I put all of my feelings into it! But I'm glad I wrote it. And you know what? If he ever sees any of this, good! He deserves to know exactly how I was feeling -- how he made ME feel. Because I matter. So here you go. But fair warning, it's kind of long!
Yesterday was the worst day of my entire life. Easton and I are still going out, but I don’t feel like it. I cried until 4:00 pm – 6:00 pm and then I took a nap and then again from 10:00 pm – 2:30 am. That is the most I’ve ever cried. That’s the loudest I’ve ever screamed. I woke my whole house. The feeling of unrequited love is so sad. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. It's the worst feeling in the world. But see, it’s even WORSE, because it JUST became one-sided, just when my love has gotten so strong. Yesterday Easton told me he thought he was in love with me, but he really isn’t. He said that he still loves me… but as a dear friend. Last night, he stopped talking to me like he normally does. I said it felt like he didn’t want to talk to me and he said “No? This is how I talk to everyone.” … That didn’t used to be how he talked to me. And on tumblr, he was acting happy when he reblogged things and talked to people. I felt terrible. I started to cry and scream, this isn’t fair to me! I don’t know how he feels about anything anymore. I don’t know if he even wants to be with me. This is the worst feeling I’ve EVER FELT. My friend Kyle helped me earlier that day, after I got home from school. He told me I’m wonderful, and I deserve someone who loves me for me and I’m so special and that I could get any guy I wanted… But I want Easton. And then that night, my mom held me, and cried with me, and talked to me too. It was so much worse last night… She told me the same things Kyle did… And so I was thinking, Easton cares, but if he really loved me would he ever make me feel this way? He shouldn’t… This made me so upset. I thought we were right for each other, you know? I thought we were meant to be. I was wishing and hoping, and I’m atheist, but I was even praying! That’s how desperate I am. I just want to be with him, and I want him to WANT to be with me! But with all of this? I don’t know if I can. I want to… But knowing how he feels… I just don’t know. It’s scary. I don’t want my love to keep growing and know that it won’t go anywhere in the long run. And so I’m so scared. Also, I’m suicidal. I have been since 6th grade. I just never saw the light at the end of the tunnel… Until I had him. I was looking forward to doing everything with him. I told him that he was keeping me alive. But now… he’s slipping away and I’m slipping further and further into depression. I’m biting my hands and wrists, instead of cutting. Yesterday, he told me not to hurt myself. I said I was already hurt. And he was like “Yeah, but not physically, you’re hurt because of me, right?” I never got to reply because my mom came in and held me. Then he texted me goodnight a while later… He didn’t have “I love you” like normal. Oh GOD did that stab me in the heart. It hurt so badly. We ALWAYS had “I love you” at the end of our goodnight texts. And I just screamed even more. If we break up before I graduate, who am I going to bring to prom?! Christ, the STRESS! >< So life is very hard, as a senior I've come to discover. I hate it. I literally want to stab myself in the chest because I'm not comfortable anymore. I'm having problems with the person who's keeping me alive, saying he "needs space" and all. I'm having problems with school work, I can't remember anything anymore, I don't understand why. My grades are slipping. I have to prepare for college, and apply to housing, and this and that and lots and lots of crap. One thing I hate? You have to apply for EVERYTHING when it comes to college. It's terrible. But most of all, I just want to leave New Orleans. I want to go to Lafayette and spend actual quality time with my boyfriend, you know? But I really don't want to leave. I want him to come here. I hope he's still thinking about that deal my parents gave him to think about. To come live with us and go to a night class / college. I want him to come here. It would get better if we saw each other and got to hug and kiss at least every other day, you know? And that IS the problem. I hope he knows that. In a relationship, you need intimacy, and we have virtually none, because of our distance. I need to be with him. We should try to live together for a week... I think. I want to know how he'd feel about this... I miss him... Baby. I love and miss you so. ;_____;
So I'm Amanda. This blog specifically is for my feelings. My feelings of anger, love, hate, sadness, every emotion I feel I need to write about. I will try not to curse, as best I can. I'm trying to be kind of proper, but if I get mad, I can't promise anything. I'll probably write here most of the time at school, or if I'm very compelled at home, to write somewhere no one knows about. But i do write a lot of things on my tumblr, which my tumblr is linked in the "tumblr." page link. Anyway, thank you for listening to me, whoever you are. I hope I know you, and if I don't, I hope you find what i say meaningful to your life, in someway. Maybe some day I can help, when I feel good and write happy entries. Thank you for listening to me. I appreciate it.
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