I'm just really pissed, and unhappy, and everything someone does/doesn't do, makes me upset. I just want to cry, and hit something, and be abusive. But I can't. I want to scream, and not do my work. I'm watching Tim stream RCT right now (http://www.twitch.tv/monotonetim), but he isn't making me happy. It's entertaining enough to hold my attention though. And where is my boyfriend? He's concerned but then... not talking to me... And I really wish he were, because I want to talk to him. Today just IS NOT A GOOD DAY, AND I'M SO DONE WITH EVERYTHING. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I want to go cry in Chris's arms, however he happens to live an hour and a half away during school. So that idea is out the butt. I am going this weekend, but STILL. I'm so upset for no reason, omg, I hate being a girlllll! ;^;
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Lately I've been really tired... I haven't been wanting to go to classes either. However, I'm like always bored. I get enough sleep though. I just never want to talk to anyone but one person, and that's annoying for me. I don't feel like hanging out with my friends... I'm starting to forget to do homework because I'm so tired. I need to stay after my class tomorrow and do some work. I'm starting to slack and that's not OK. Bleh... On the other hand, I bought a recorder today. It was $70 something all together... I need to experiment with it, because my lesson is tomorrow. And in other news, I'm supposed to have a date this weekend with Chris to see Looper and to go to dinner~ I'm really excited, because I've never been on one of these types of dates. And neither has he, obviously. I've always wanted to go one a date like this. Now I just have to get my parents to agree to let me go, which shouldn't be too hard. Sigh, my eyes burn. I'm tired. I think I'm going to experiment with my recorder and then hit the hay... I'm just not in an amazing mood, you know? Not bad, not good... Melancholic. Bleh. Anyway, update! I'll see ya.
So I've already written one paper for my English class. Now we're starting another one. This paper is about an "epiphany". The epiphany I chose was the thing I automatically thought of when the topic was introduced. I chose "heartbreak"... Because getting my heart broken really opened my eyes to some things I really needed to learn. In a way it's a good thing it happened, but at the same time it's something I never want to experience again. Obviously, I'll get my heart broken a few times in life, or so I assume... I just hope it's never as severe as that. It was the worst thing I had ever experienced in my life.
As I was writing my draft today, I started tearing up as I remembered how things happened. It was almost embarrassing because I was in the lobby of the UC at school. I got really close to my paper, and tried to calm down. And you know, it's funny, this timing. Writing about all of this stuff. I had just brought his stuff back to him this past weekend, and I also got something about him on tumblr... Well, because on tumblr they have those "Write to this person" kind of things with like "Dear girlfriend, dear best friend, dear santa, dear person I hate" AND SO ON. So, one of the choices was "Dear ex boyfriend"... And I was sent that option in an anonymous ask... To be honest, I really wonder who sent that... But anyway, so I answered of course, and this was what I said:
Anyway back to the paper. I am putting the paper on here for your enjoyment... Or for my remembrance. Whatever, it is just something I'd like to document here. I talk about my relationships and stuff a lot, so yeah. It's an updated version of everything I've ever written before, kind of. In a professional paper for school. Writing this paper really helped me too, I think. As I continue to write about it, my eyes continue to open wider and wider to my problems. It's a really good thing, I think. Anyway, THE DRAFT! (I'll upload the paper in another post when it's COMPLETELY finished.) (there are still some things I think I'll need to add, and if you have any suggestions, please, I'm all ears. But for now, this is it. Thank you for reading, and if you don't read it, that is perfectly understandable. BTW, it's approx. 1708 words with just that.) So this weekend I went up to Baton Rouge and Lafayette. I stayed with Christopher, obviously, and it was amazing. You know, no one there to be like "You have to sleep alone, you have to get up at a certain time, you have to go to sleep at a certain time..." and so on. I loved it. And I guess you could kind of say it was like a tiny glimpse into the future. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I think if we ever get to a point in our relationship where we are living together, I think we could do it well. I don't know how he felt about it... But I thought it was nice. And of course, if we lived together we'd have jobs, or college, or something. We wouldn't be together the entire day, so it wouldn't get to be too much. And then at night we can spend time together or he can play his games and I can read, or get on tumblr or something... Or whatever. Like, I can hope this happens. I liked it this weekend. I hope he felt the same way, but eh. You never know with that kid. :)
Also, we could have sex whenever we wanted... That was also pretty cool~ I just really like spending time with him. He's a very sweet and amazing boy. He treats me well, but not like a princess, which I appreciate. He's real and straight with me, and I'm glad, because that's what I need. Every now and then I wish he would treat me that way, but I can deal without it. I do love him. I'm proud to say he loves me. But I still get jealous of her. Because he said he still likes her. Oh boy... That's why I'd just rather he doesn't talk to her. If only he would do it for me. But he isn't like that. And I can respect that, I guess. Fucking whatever, it makes me upset talking about it, so I'm gonna stop... But anyway, yeah... I could totally see us staying together, living together. I plan to be with this man for a long time and no bitch will get in the way of that. YUP. Bleh, tired... This stupid fucking class is ridiculous, seriously. And I need to study for my math test for tomorrow. We have this UNIV success class, in which we have to go to 6 of these events around school at different times... Fuck, seriously, it's dumb. I've noticed so far, at the ends of the weeks, I've gotten more work than at the beginning of the weeks of school. Bleh...
Today just hasn't been good. Then I go and post about wanting to be talked to all the time and Chris and Alysia flip a fucking shit. Neither of them continuously talk to me. It always breaks, our conversations. So what are they complaining about? And it sucks because I can't respond to them without like, offending them... I'm never right, I never can say things like that. I'm always wrong. "I talk to you all the time!" No you don't... No one does. Everything always ends, doesn't it. It's sad. I'm sad. I should just never open my mouth, I always regret it when I do. Maybe I'll become mute, then I won't have to worry and no one can upset me with my words, and turn what I said around on me. I hate it. I hate this... And now Chris isn't responding. Well how about that... UGH.
You know what? I think I'm starting to get used to the fact that they're good friends. Kinda. I don't think I'll ever fully be over it, but I'm normally jealous of his gamer friends... But today it's a LOT less and shit. Obviously they still talk... I don't like it, I wish he wouldn't, but I can't possibly stop him... He's known her longer. It's the same with Anthony and myself. Only I really don't talk to him much at all anymore. If Chris were jealous of ANYONE I'd be surprised, honestly... I wonder if he's jealous... If he were, maybe a little, I might actually feel a bit happy about it... Because being jealous means you care, and that you want the other to be yours and STAY yours. (He has nothing to worry about, shhhh. :3) But it would still make me happy to hear it. Jealousy. It happens. Over the past few months it's happened to me a lot, which is not normally what happens. Normally I'm not jealous. It's just the terms of how close they were before, rattled my cage. But I really want to get over it. She has a boyfriend (and even though Chris says it's because she's lonely and using him, it doesn't matter. They're still technically dating... I guess). And I don't care if she's jealous of me (which, no offense, she should be, I nabbed someone great right from under her). I just want to not care about her existence at all. I hope he doesn't tell her how much I hate her, or how much I'm jealous of her... But I hope he mentions me. And how happy I make him. And things we've done together that he remembered in conversation with her... I REALLY hope he has. I'm still a little bothered by the past with one thing... But it's in the past. And I can't change it (although if I could, fuck knows I would). So I just have to get over it. I am his. He is mine. MINE. And yes, for right now, I do want to be very possessive. Because I'm not giving him up. No, no, we are hard workers. I work for what I want, and I wanted him, and I got him. I still haven't stopped wanting him though. I will always want him. My Chris. :)
I wrote this Friday, but the power was out, so I couldn’t post it until now. And so, it’s not like these feelings and thoughts are gone from me. But there’s no use continuing to complain and feel bad. But they were still my feelings, and so, because of that fact, I’ll leave this here. Feelings. They happen.
On another note, POWER, WE HAVE POWERRRRR! A/C, electricity, DVDs, eek! <3 Stupid Isaac, hurricane... Thanks for letting me go this long in the damn heat... UGH |