This is the first time I have been in love so unconditionally, literally not looking or asking for anything in return. It is truly an amazing feeling. I am so happy these days just spending what time I'm able to spend with him. Now that I have realized that I don't need anything to give the love I feel, my happiness has really skyrocketed. I will give him whatever he wants or asks for. Head scratches, massages, I'll help him run errands, try new food and experiences for him... I don't ask him for anything, nor do I want to. And while it would be nice to go on dates, and for him to give me some of the things I give him, and affirmation of love and affection, I don't need those things, I really don't. I know he loves me, he's told me so many times. He fought for me when we dated. And while I broke his heart and he's cautious and has glass shards surrounding him, I will still cut myself up trying to hug him, or be with him. I don't mind. I can tell he feels better around me, and he relaxes, and he's slightly letting his guard down little by little around me. I feel like we're an old married couple. I don't know how he feels. But we always have something to talk about. We don't constantly talk all day through text anymore (my fault when we were dating), we talk more in person, especially about personal and important things. We haven't fought in a long time, mostly because I see... there's no point. Why bother getting worked up or fed up with anything? I just want to be with him and find comfort in his presence and cuddle with him. I don't need sex or to be super physical, but it'd be nice to be a bit more touchy with hugs and cuddles and kisses longer than pecks, lol... But he always tells me I'm the best, and I'm amazing, and that I've gained major brownie points for doing this, or that, or helping out or dealing with whatever. And it's because I've severely chilled out, and don't stress about what he does or doesn't do, and I don't demand anything from him. And I think I still wouldn't, even if we were officially dating. I only have eyes for him, and he only has eyes for me. He is amazing. He is gorgeous and handsome. He is fun, and funny. He is deep. He is perfect, for me.
And that's why I consider him as my soulmate. From ancient Greece, I believe as the myth goes, it was supposed to be that humans were made with two faces, four legs and four arms, and Zeus was so frightened and thought they were unacceptable, so he condemned them them to be separated, searching for their other half for the rest of their lives.
You know, I love him. We are so different, yet so similar. I'm willing to try new things because of him. I'm willing to live a healthier life because he does and because I need to get physically better. I hope his love for me hasn't diminished... The one thing I would LIKE to ask him for, but probably won't (at least not for now), is if he loves me still the same as he did before. If his defenses aren't making that feeling go away, or that the stress of his job is making him not want to be with me or something crazy...
Nah... he tells me semi-regularly that he likes when I pick him up from work because he gets to see me. God, I love him. I want to marry him. I really do. I want to go through all of the gross pregnancy stuff... with him. I want him to want me, and want to be with me. I want to own a puppy, or my kitten, or a flying squirrel with him. I want to travel everywhere with him.
My way of thinking has fully changed within the last month. I don't care if we're "dating" or not, but we are most definitely what I would consider "together". His mom calls me his girlfriend. I basically am. It's no big deal to have or not have a label. As long as I can be with him. I don't care. I don't want anyone else. I don't want anything else.
Side note, I am so happy and proud of him! He recently got a job as a bartender at a restaurant on Magazine called Mayas. He makes quite a bit lately, but It's Mardi Gras time, so lots of people are in the area. But the food there is apparently amazing, and the drinks are fiyah. So he's really stressed and in pain a lot lately because he's been working ALL DAY, every day. But I help him as much as I can, especially since he's saving up to fix his car. I'm so excited for him, he's so happy that he has so much money all the time. He could make any where from $20-60 on a slow day and $100-300 on a faast day. In cash! And he gets tipped out by the waiters, and is getting paid a wage of $7. As a bartender. That's amazing. I'm so proud of him, my baby. <3