So we made a plan yesterday, to see Batman, but since Christian and I haven't seen the first two of the trilogy, we were gonna watch it with Chris and then go see it. But it's 9 hours of movies, all of them together... So it becomes today, I had a dental appointment at 12, and that was 30 minutes long, but Chris was being weird and like "Could you get dropped off here?" DUH, NO I CAN'T. My parents work almost all day! Their working hours are 8am to 5pm but honestly, with the work they get it's almost all day, all night. They don't have free time to bring me whenever I ask, and yeah, I have my license but mom doesn't want me driving across the river alone JUST yet... Yeah... So, what was he expecting? And he's been acting weird this morning too, like... I don't understand why he's talking to me like he has been and just... what's going on in general... It makes me upset, because it's not normal. We had plans. I thought we'd keep them. Chris said yesterday and I quote, "yes, christian and i will get you" because I TOLD him I'd need to be gotten...
Let me just cry until they get here, ugh... Today isn't starting out well for us. What the hell. ;_____; I'M UPSET AND PISSED AND IN PAIN and I just want to be taken care of and I just want to feel better, and I want Chris. But none of those things are possible. SO FUCK EVERYTHING I HATE LIFE, I HATE MY BODY, I HATE LIVING SOMETIMES, IT SUCKS.
First day without almost constant rain and I can't enjoy it with anyone, that fucking sucks too. I'm so upset. I woke up in an achey terrible upset bad mood. And I want my boyfriend to come take care of me but he can't. So fuck it. Gonna fucking sleep all day. What the fuck ever. I hate everything. So I woke up early, ate food, and I had packed my shit the night before. I was just kind of waiting for Chris. Well, 12 came around and he got there and we were on our way. It rained a LOT, almost the ENTIRE way there, which was scary... But it's fine. Obviously the drive took an hour and a half, even with all the traffic because of the rain. We listened to Tri-State by Above & Beyond (which I think is my favorite album right now) the whole way there, and it was nice. I really like them! Nothing major happened on the way there, so I'll skip ahead. We finally got to the house he stays in for school, and we "unpacked" so to speak? I explored the whole house, it was cool, I felt really at home for some reason... Maybe because only Chris was there and I didn't have to worry about what someone would say about my snooping. We got there at about 2pm but his appt. was at 3:15pm, so we just hung around and did whatever. Talked, turned on the TV, blahblahblah. Eventually 3pm came, when he said he'd leave to go, but he wanted to double check the time and stuff I guess, but his computer was being retard, so he used mine. He left quick, and actually came back pretty quick. I had planned to take a shower while he was gone, but... There weren't really usable towels. There was Eric's towel (another kid who uses the house. it's his parent's house) but it was... kinda dirty looking? So I washed it. Thank you mother for teaching me how to fucking wash clothes! But Chris called me walking to the car to make plans for food (which we chose pizza, yum), he was on his way back and the washer had JUST finished washing that towel. I put it in the dryer, which took 30 minutes. He got back with about 10 minutes left on the thing, so I said "Alright, lets order the food, and I'll get in the shower while you wait for it, and if you want after it gets here you could maybe.. join me, hahah. The towel should also be done in 10 minutes, so could you bring it to me?" He agreed to this. So I was like almost finished showering, had shaved, washed everything, still no Chris. So I just decided to get out without him. He hadn't brought me the towel, so I called for him, I didn't know where he was... Apparently his mom was on the phone (and she didn't know I was there, and we weren't gonna tell her either) so I had jeopardized everything! But I didn't know... Anyway, so I got out and got the towel from the dryer on my own. Chris had walked outside, but the door's lock was on, so he couldn't get back in, I had to let him back in, heheh. Eventually, everything was all good, and since we were all alone, I just put on my underwear and my shirt, cause... Who cares right? It was just us. I ate some pizza, which was really good! Hungry Howie's is yummy and yes, I would like it again. Too bad it's not a chain in New Orleans... It'd be big! Anyway, we watched Harry Potter while we ate, and then well... after we ate, we did other things. ;D
After that, we just sat around and watched TV. It was really nice, in my opinion... And then we had a quicky right before it was time to go. WELL, turns out, we couldn't leave. The car's battery was out because the headlights were left on the entire time. So we had to call Christian to come jump start the car (which eventually worked after much thought and work). By that time it was 9:30pm or so? So we promptly left the house, left everything in the right place, cleaned up, you know, good stuff! On the way back, we just listened to trance and his music and stuff. We were also trying to find Christian while driving, since he left a little before us to get gas. (We found and caught up with him, indeed!) Once, Something About Us by Daft Punk came on, and he held out his hand to me. He held my hand through the entire song. I almost cried, hahah. I don't think he realized how amazing that was of him, and how much it meant to me. Music is my life, so the lyrics tell truth (you know, in fucking meaningful songs, not stupid rap, with "ASS ASS ASS ASS" or some shit, ugh)... And those lyrics were more true than any other song he could have chosen. I appreciated that. He really knows me under the surface. I think. I hope. XD If not, there might be some trouble. The same goes for me. I'd like to think I know him a bit under the surface too... But there's much more to learn. Anyway, we devised a plan to go to my house. On the way home from Baton Rouge, Chris called his mom and asked to come to my house. She said yes as long as he had a key. So we planned to meet up at the shell gas station near his house and I switched cars. While Chris went home and got his shit home, Christian and I went to Barnes & Noble. I like their Barnes & Noble, it was cool! Well, Chris called shortly after we got there and I got in the back seat and when we drove up to his house, I hid in the backseat and then got up once we were relatively out of site! YAY adventure! Long rest of the story short, we got to my house and then watched Doctor Who for pretty much the rest of the night. Well until 1am or so, then they decided to leave. Sigh, I hate when he leaves, but whatever, I guess. When he got home we actually talked A LOT over skype, like I'm surprised at how much we talked... He normally doesn't talk that long... Goes off to play a game or whatever, which I'm sure he did every now and then. Probably like right now... Sigh. My birthday! So as you know, I haven't gotten my license. Well that changed today. I finally got it! I made a 96 on the test, so, weeee! Let me tell you, I woke kind of early, then waited for about 3 hours at the DMV, so I was in a pissy mood until I got called. I was a little nervous, yes, but I accepted that I was nervous and that I'd be fine if I just didn't let it get to me. And I was! I passed, I was so happy. Then I drove home, and Kaitlynn, that beautiful child, came to visit me! She brought me a cherry tart and a birthday cake pop from Starbucks. They were both quite yummy! She and I talked, and we can talk about everything and nothing and anything all at once. Our personalities clash every now and then, but normally we get along SO well it's almost scary. I love it. I drove with her to get gas and then she drove with me around the neighborhood. It was fun! But she had work at 4, so she left around 3:30pm. And then around 4:20, I guess? Chris and Christian came over. Almost as soon as they got here, I called Alysia asking what she was doing (because Kaitlynn told me she might visit me) and she stalled me long enough to get to my house. It was clever, I was confused! But we sat around for a few minutes and then decided to go to the mall. I had a mission to find lingerie, since that's what Chris would like to spend his money on for me. Which is awesome, because I've always wanted lingerie and I think it's pretty and cute! Well, Victoria's Secret was a bit too expensive... And Forever21 doesn't sell intimates in store, at least on the westbank. I ended up not getting anything, but that's ok, he and I will go another time. :)
At least Alysia got a late birthday present from Christian~ Wooooo! ;D But yeah, I drove home and Alysia left. Then we all went to Texas Roadhouse, yummy, love it. As we were leaving, I mentioned how I miss Anthony... That was so wrong on my part, because Chris and I made a promise to not bring up Anthony or Brandi. They both make the other upset. I made him upset, which made me upset. I sulked in my room on my own for a few minutes and then I went outside, once I'd changed from my dress to sleep clothes. Of course, Chris and I made up quickly, he said he got upset because of our pact, and I understand. Unless I HAVE to mention him ever, I won't. And I don't think I'll ever HAVE to mention him, so. That bitch never talks to me. He didn't even wish me a happy birthday... Sigh... But yeah, we made up, and we started TRON! I'd never seen it, and well, now that I have, I liked it! The best part was definitely Daft Punk in the club though. Heheheh. They did the whole soundtrack for the movie, so. But the awesomeness of this chill day was getting to me, plus I think, the fact that I got early and didn't sleep past 6 hours, made me sleepy. During like, the last fight scene with the aircrafts, I was dozing off so bad, hahahah. It ended at 12 and as soon as it ended Chris came up to me and told me they were leaving. I was like "Aww..." and he was like "Tomorrow!" because tomorrow he and I are going to Baton Rouge for him, an appointment with LSU. I'm excited~! I was tired, which I don't know, maybe made the pleasure of kissing him so much greater? Man, I don't know what was happening to me, but my heart was swelling, and he was taking my breath away, and I just thought "Wow, I'm so in love with this boy... Oh wow..." It really makes me so happy. I just hope he feels the same way about me. Hopefully one day I can take his breath away with a kiss and make him think "Damn, I love this girl with all of my heart..." Wouldn't that be nice. Right now I'm floating on cloud nine, my heart is still fluttering. I'm so happy! With my shifting emotions and mood swings and depression, it's hard to stay with one emotion for long, but I try to keep the happy as long as possible. He's just about always the reason for my smile. He means so much to me, and the fact that he stays and doesn't run away when I frustrate him makes me really happy. There aren't many people who fight anymore. And when I say fight, I mean for the relationship and it's happiness. It's important to me and I'm glad he's one of the few that go to work it out. I love him~! Whoops, love rant, wow I'm in that good of a loving good mood! Well anyway, I really liked this birthday, it was nice and chill and just very nice. Heheh. Well I need to sleep, I'm so tired! Plus LSU tomorrow! :3 I feel so... ignored. I can't stop feeling this way. I don't know why. For some reason I can't help thinking that it's because of my birthday tomorrow. It's going to be 12am in a few hours. I want to be the most important person right now and tomorrow... But I can't ask that of Chris, or my friends. All of my friends can, but I can't bring myself to say "I want you to pay attention to me right now!" But it really hurts not to be able to, because well, it hurts me inside... I want to be important. I want all attention towards me... I want to be special, and just realizing how special I'm NOT, isn't fun. I feel useless and unwanted. I am depressed. I am very upset. I am crying. And I am not ok.
It's my birthday tomorrow... But I'm not excited. I'm confused and upset. And I feel like I'm being ignored. I'm so glad Christian is my friend. At least he's talking to me today. Kaitlynn too, I love her. I asked mom to make me yummy food today, but I don't know what I want to eat. Sigh, tough choices for a picky child...
I'm still kinda pissed though. Day before my birthday. Where are you? http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/11411017712
http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/25790457484 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/10510414927 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/8745726901 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/17103410412/things-i-would-like-to-do-hold-you-touch-you http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/6062316555/i-wonder-if-i-will-ever-get-one-of-those-late-night http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/20450895457 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/9730683941 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/6149765513 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/8160765332 http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/8655182657/i-am-the-ocean-i-cannot-stop-thinking-about http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/1578044998/lovequotesrus-photo-courtesy-bluquote http://iamgoingaway.tumblr.com/post/26894392123 Cliche? Maybe... I really don't fucking care right now... I don't know what I made this for and I can't remember what's what here... But they all lead to romantic/relationship things/saying/or whatever from my tumblr. I was going through my tumblr randomly and when I found something I thought was significant, I put it here. Welp... Looky how happy! That dress I'm wearing was a present for my birthday. My birthday is Thursday so Saturday we had a huge sleepover at my house and then left for Pensacola Beach, Florida Sunday morning! It was awesome, this is the whole recount, and I have pictures to share, if you care! (the subtitle under "Diary") So Saturday night everyone came over, I even went to get Chris because since he lives 30 minutes away, it was just easier for him to sleep over too. Alysia, Kaitlynn, Christina, Kathryn, Casey, Jo-el, Lauren, Jessie, Chris, and myself were there! Poor other Chris, Kaitlynn's boy, couldn't sleep over. But that's expected. We all talked and had fun, and ate cookie cake and ice cream, and had Popeyes. XD For a while we played Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Then we had the cake and everyone sang me a very loud discordant Happy Birthday, and then I opened what my parents had gotten me. I'd opened what everyone else had gotten me earlier. Kaitlynn (and Chris, it was almost a shared present, kind of) got me a few things, she got me two necklaces (one to symbolize our relationship which is a peace/heart which I will wear all the time and another of a peachy color which I love), two bracelets (one that's just really cute and one that's also a peachy color that goes with that other necklace), a mini snow globe with a little festival asian in it (SO CUTE), and a little lucky cat weight thing (also very cute). Someone got me a bag of watermelon sour patch, but I forgot who, SORRY. And Jessie, that sweetheart, she bought me a dress in Europe. That dress up there! I'm not sure if you can make it out, but those are cats on the dress. Some of them look like cat-dinos. Heheheh, I love it. it's so cute, and it feels good and has POCKETS! And then after cake, I opened a box that had a camera in it! My mom and dad got me a Nikon Coolpix L810 camera, the case, a 16GB card (in exchange for the 8GB card that it came with), and a little tripod. I love it, it's awesome! (I took a few pictures the night I got it, but not at the beach because it was buried in my bag and plus, I didn't want to get sand in my bag or worse, in the camera, so I just left it. But Kaitlynn and Jo-el took pictures at the beach, so it's ok!) Then we watched Hard Candy a while later. Chris didn't really seem to like it, but it was ok. Didn't bore him to death. Then the girls who were still awake decided to watch a movie called Dead Bodies I think? Chris and I headed outside instead of watching it. Outside he vented to me about my cousin who seems to hate him for no reason... Which is really uncalled for on her part. Her reasoning is because "he's too controlling of me". How is he controlling exactly? Sigh, but we talked about it and after he and I vented we just laughed a bit and talked and kissed and just had an hour or so of "us time", which was needed. He's cute. <3 Well, then it started getting late and my mom came out of her room and was like "ok, we're leaving in a few hours, and I'm getting up in an hour to start preparing for the trip. If you guys are still up, I'm gonna be upset. Give Chris his spot on the couch and go to sleep!" So everyone split into their respective places. I said goodnight to everyone who was still up, and to my boy and then I went into my room where Kathryn and Alysia had decided to watch Zombieland. HAHAHAH, so they put that in and watched it, and I was kinda in and out for Zombieland, saying goodnight and talking to Chris and stuff. And then after Zombieland, Kathryn, the vampire, put in How To Train Your Dragon, and of course, I couldn't sleep when that beautiful movie was on, so I stayed up and talked to her about it and other things. Boy I miss her. And Alysia chimed in every now and then because she was more in and out than fully asleep. Well then, we all woke up and proceded to get ready and move all of out trip things into the dining room/living room area. Then we had breakfast and watched a building in the Greater New Orleans area get imploded on the news. THAT was cool. Chris posted a status on facebook saying "I love the smell of dead building in the morning." Ahhh, but our morning was still kinda frustrating. It was early and a lot of us aren't morning people, so some people were eh and not so happy happy. And we had a bit of car trouble. No one but Jo-el could move her car because the stick was broken, there was a trick to it. Anyway, riding situations were my mother, father, sister, Jessie, Alysia, Chris, and myself in our van and the other Chris, Kaitlynn, Kathryn, Casey, Jo-el, and Christina in Chris's van. But once that was all good, we started to move. That's where I'm no good, since most of the trip my eyes were closed -- trying to sleep. While still awake, Chris would give me the headphones every now and then when a good song that I knew came on, hahah. So, about 4 hours later, we arrived in Pensacola, Florida, and made it to the beach! Oh, but on the way, once we got there, right outside of the restaurant we ate at that night, McGuire's, there was a big accident, where a car was flipped over. Chris got a picture as we were passing, and so did Kaitlynn. Just, wow... But anyway, we got to THE BEACH! :D When we got there we turned around a few times because we didn't exactly know which side was the beach and which was the bay. There was water on both sides, that's what we really knew. Alysia was like "It really doesn't matter..." but it mattered to me. Eventually we asked a person who was familiar with the territory and found the beach after a bit of frustration. We went to the part of the beach across from the Portofino. (Jo-el and I stayed there 2 years ago? Jo-el invited me with her aunt as a vacation thing, it was great!) There were a bit of people, but not that many. We found a nice spot real quick. We parked all of our things and got out Jessie's tent/tarp type thingy and put it over our ice chests and bags. We had a few chairs set up in there too. My parents rested in there for a while before they went out to sea~ Once everything was set up and the girls had all of their towels set down right in front of our station, we ate. Mom made sammiches and stuff, thank goodness I have someone as wonderful as she, I'm not even fucking kidding. Without her and my dad, none of this would have been possible. Needless to say, I will be helping her a lot this week with whatever she needs me to to make her life easier. She deserves it. :) Anyway, so we all put on sunscreen and ate, and then OCEAN! It was so clear I couldn't believe it! I definitely didn't make a mistake when I said I wanted to go to Pensacola. I think it was worth the trip, and we all had so much fun! As for the waves, in the pictures they don't look very big, but almost every wave was at LEAST a foot - 2 feet. AT LEAST. There was a yellow flag warning, which means, mild warning, take precaution -- the waves are a little high, a strong-ish current. And that flag was super accurate. The current was pretty strong. after about 2 hours, I couldn't pull myself against it anymore. In the shallow areas there was lots of debris, such as shells and itty bitty clams, and every now and then a big chunk of sand dollar. I feel bad because Chris found me a really big half of a sand dollar, and I wanted to keep it, but I accidentally left it on the shore where the water got it... I really wanted it. But hopefully we'll have another chance to get one one day... Oh! There were cute little minnows and other fish. There was this one fish that Chris and I found, it was all alone. It was swimming along with a piece of seaweed and when we removed the seaweed it was just swimming aimlessly. Chris tried to catch it, but the best he got was that he got to touch it. It was so cute and small. Except for that little one, the fish I saw all swam in schools. Small schools, but schools none the less. Kathryn tried to catch some, hahah. She even cut herself trying to make a little bowl out of a water bottle, she was so determined. She didn't catch any, but, oh well. XD The sand was awesome, there was barely any sharp shit to walk on. But it was of course, a pain in the ass to get out of my ass and out of my suit. But it was really nice, I do have to admit. Since the shallow part had a lot of shells all broken up it hurt to walk in every now and then, but further out it was soft and nice, it felt good. Towards the end of our beach expedition, all of us went out to where the waves broke, and jumped and it was nice, it really was. But man, we were exhausted. Every now and then we'd eventually all go sit for a while. Like, 2 hours in and I was done for about 30 minutes - an hour. I just sat in the tent and drank some water ate a little more. Chris stuck with me and eventually Jo-el and Alysia joined us. And then even Kaitlynn and Chris joined us after a while too. Eventually I got my second wind and went to go play again! This time I was in the sand more than the water. Probably when I got most of the sunburn I have right now. XD I went and lied down with Alysia for a few minutes, but got up for the water. Chris and Chris were digging and Kaitlynn's Chris tried to make a mote... Nice work, but the water was too strong! They also tried spelling things in the sand, hahahah. The girls tried to bury Lauren, and I guess it kinda worked. Man, I just had so much fun! Around 5 to 6 pm we decided to get some food! Alysia had been raving about McGuire's Bar & Grill all day, and to make her happy and to satisfy my curiosity of what exactly she was raving about, I decided I wanted to go. It's Irish, I don't know, she has so much Irish pride I dunno what to do with her most of the time. But yeah, unfortunately our huge group was split, but Chris and I went and found them after we'd ordered and then went back. Although, right before we left to find them, I went to my mom and I thanked her for everything she's done for me over the years and told her how wonderful she is and that I really love her. I told her that I think a birthday should be more about the mother since she did all the work when I was born, all I did was cry. She said "Ah, but to hear you cry... it was a good thing." It was cute. I love my mommy. She's so wonderful and amazing. :) Before we went back, let me tell you this douchbag move they pulled! On the bathroom signs, it of coure says "Women's" and "Men's" right? Right. What you don't realize is that it really says "WOMEN'S is over there" and it points to the other door and the same for the men's bathroom. the "is over there" is so worn it's hard to see, so I ended up walking into the Men's bathroom and running out! They pulled a good one. My mom went to the bathroom when we were leaving it and she did what I did, only when she got back she told us that she actually used the Men's bathroom and only realized once she walked out and saw the urinals! XD Ahhhh, anyway, Chris and I got root beer which is home made at the place. In the straw came a green cherry! it was really cool, and it tasted a little different, a little minty, it was SO cool! Needless to say, the food was amazing! I had steak. Amazing steak. And Chris and I shared a hot fudge brownie a la mode. My favorite desert, I think... It was so good, I'm glad I saved some of my steak so I had room for the desert. PHEW! And lastly, there's a tradition at the place where you can sign a dollar and then staple it to any wall or post you want. "The higher, the better" the waiter said. So Chris and I took a dollar and did it! Chris took pictures of both sides (below)! Now, it had been decided that we'd go to the boardwalk after we ate, but then we walked outside and mom was like "If we leave now we'll get home by midnight. Do we really have to go to the boardwalk?" And I thought about it for a second and I asked who was with us if they really cared, and they said no, so I went to the other car and asked the same thing and they said no too. Chris Weber even said "I actually have work tomorrow, so I need to get home." and well that was the end of that. Kaitlynn seemed excited, but well, it was getting late. She got over it quick, which was good. And we also talked about a sleepover that night for the people inconvenienced by such late travel home. So the end. We left Pensacola. The ride back was... less than pleasant, but whatever. A gas problem. But it was solved quickly and the rest of our travels were smooth from there.
When we got home everyone was like YESSSSSS SOFT PLACES TO SIT AND LAY DOWNNNN! It was funny. Heehee. Chris stayed the night again because, well, of the same reason he slept over saturday night. And that night Casey, Kathryn, Alysia, and Jessie went home. Christina and Kaitlynn slept in the guest room, and Chris and Jo-el claimed the couch once again. Today, or yesterday rather, was more of a Chris Amanda date day. It was nice. Kaitlynn and Christina left at 2:30pm because Kaitlynn needed to go home and Christina had work. Jo-el left at like 2 because she needed to run an errand for her aunt. Chris just stayed and played Brawl for a bit. Got every character on my console accept Jigglypuff. Then we just lied around and kinda slept on the couch for an hour or so. Alysia came and got clothes she forgot at my house and when she saw us she was like "Awwwww, how cute!" I was really happy she said that actually. Because us being all cute and lovey-dovey had been aggravating her a bit, but she says it's getting better. I'm so glad. Anyway, so after that, and we woke up a bit, we went and watched the Cowboy Bebop movie, since we had to vacate the living room. I fixed myself some ramen and then before we went in my room for the movie, we cleaned. We cleaned up the couch, all of the cups and drinks lying around, I wiped the table, Chris rinsed some dishes, we helped clean the island, the stuff hanging around the living room that didn't belong there. Chris even vacuumed! We did good and helped my mom's stress level go down. I'm glad I could help, and I should really do that more often. Then after THAT we ate our left-overs from McGuire's! Yummy stuff, man. We started Doctor Who while we ate. We watched a total of 2 episodes, wee! And we had a bit of intimacy, which was nice. But then Jo-el came and got him. I can't say I'm not happy, and I can't complain about not seeing him... Although I do miss him here. I miss everyone here... But it's gonna be a while until we have another one of those. Big get together type things... This weekend was too amazing. I'm glad to say it all went off so well and I'm so glad it happened at all. I'm so glad everyone came, I'm so glad everyone was happy. I'm glad I stuck up for what I wanted for once, too. I'm just so happy right now... I want to go out and do something soon because I want to use my brand new camera! It's so nice... And now, I look forward to what Thursday holds. I can't wait for my birthday. My mom will come in and sing to me in the morning. Hopefully the weather will be good, I may want to swim. I'm just excited, I'm shaking from adrenaline, excitement, happiness, my fan being on high! XD I hope these happy wonderful things keep happening. Sigh, what a weekend. <3 But my head's all jumbled up. All I know is that I hate to argue. And that right now I'm upset, but I can't exactly cry. I need a shower. I love my boyfriend. I can't wait for the beach tomorrow... Today SHOULD be good... I want people to come over and celebrate with me. And Thursday I'm turning 19. And I'm happy, but I'm melancholic right now. I want to see Chris and I want to talk to him face to face. And I want to love him. Sigh, my head is a mess right now and I don't know what I'm doing. I must be retarded.
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