I just want to know WHY. Why is he upset right now? Is it because of me? Is it because you might have to bring my car over here? Is it your mom? One of your online friends? And what about? Is that too much to ask?
I'm distraught, and I've gone back to that yucky ugly state I was in last night. I'm hot all over, I have a headache, I don't feel well, and I just want him to make me laugh, like yesterday. That's all I want RIGHT NOW. For him to smile at me and show me how much he loves me by trying his hardest to make me laugh. When he does that I feel like everything will be ok, and I can smile and laugh freely, and I love that about him so much. It's the thing I love most.
But, I want HIM to bring my car back and hang out with sick old me for a little bit. Not for too long... Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even want to see me, or hang out with me. Alone time to yourself isn't alone time if you're with Christian. Alone time can still be alone time even though you want to see me. I guess, I don't know what I was trying to get at with that horrible sentence, ew...
And yesterday when I asked to come over and he said he was about to take a nap, I told him he still could, but then he got upset and was like "fuck it whatever, forget it, just come" and it hurt me, because he should have taken a nap if he wanted to... And then I got there and for a long time he acted distant, but then he started touching me and pushing me and being his funny self again. I don't understand him sometimes, but... I guess that's something that draws me to him. Because I don't understand him, it gives me more to learn about him... But we've already been together for 7 months. I feel like I should have made more progress than I already have. I don't know, I'm rambling now, but I'm just upset and I wish he weren't upset, and I don't know what's wrong, and I'm upset because he is, and ugh, WHY?!
I'm leaving him alone for right now, but we need to talk about the car return later... And I need a shower to wash away the tears and blood. Oh yeah, I'm pms-ing, so...
AND SO, this post screams to me why I hate myself. I can't leave anything alone. I need to know everything. And I'm a bit clingy (admittedly better than I used to be though). I make Chris feel bad and it's my fault. This shit is what I wanted to say to Chris yesterday but I only got a little bit out because when I get really upset I just tend to fucking sob and no words form. So yeah, I fucking hate myself, I don't know how he puts up with me. GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. And now I can't help but cry and think about how amazing he is.