I ruin everything.
I ruin everything.
I ruin everything.
I ruin everything good in my life.
I feel like everything is ruined. It was me. It's always me. I feel like this is really the source of my depression.The fact that I ruin everything between everyone I will ever have relations with. It's like a curse. I can never do anything right, only everything wrong. It upsets me, because I love so much. I love Chris so much. If I didn't I wouldn't be bawling my eyes out, feeling like this, I wouldn't be writing this, and I wouldn't be worrying about us possibly breaking up tonight. I never know when to stop. He said I don't understand him and never will, and maybe he's right... But I don't want this to end on such a bad note. I don't want this to end at all... He can make me so happy, but he can also make me so sad. I feel like I care too much about him, but he doesn't care enough about me. But I know he does. He doesn't show it the way he should at all times and that's why I feel that way, but I know he does... I hope.
Chris is good for me, because I WAS too clingy before, but I'm not as much now. He still says I'm too clingy... So I guess he only wants me to talk to him 2 days out of the 5 week days and only see him once when he's in town. That just doesn't work for me. I need attention and affirmation... I know he can do it, but he doesn't want to.
I promised him I wouldn't kill myself, so we could stay together, but if we get into a fight like this not even a week after the promise was made, and all because he doesn't ever ask me over to see him, how can I NOT think about it? It's so hard... I love to spend time with him, that's not a bad thing... I never thought it was until now, until it became a big deal that I don't only want to see him once on the weekends where he comes home. I want to see him all the time, but I can't, so I deal with it. But when he's back, I could see him everyday he's here, but I don't understand why he considers that a problem... I DON'T have to hang out with him all day, I could leave early or come late, as long as that's not everyday... He just thinks I want to be there all day every day, but that's not true... Just a few minutes/hours of seeing the person you love most is fine with me. That's all I need, as long as it's for more than one day at a time...
I just want to disappear right now into nothing. So that I wouldn't have existed. He never would have met me, no one would have, and it'd be better for everyone that way. No one would suffer, I would be gone and my suffering would end too. Why can't that be possible? I feel like I'm a bad person. I always mess everything up. I can't cry the way I want to because I don't want the neighbors to call the cops thinking someone's been murdered... And Kaitlynn told me I was such a good friend yesterday... Maybe that's true, but maybe I'm just not destined for love, even though I want it to work so bad... I love him so much... I can't stop crying, I can't see the letters on my keyboard or screen very well, but I can't stop. I can't get help, I've been to two psychologists and they both made everything I was feeling worse. Plus that's money we don't have, our family is already in debt. But I want help so bad. I just wish that is was easily accessible and free and good help. Why can't I be happy? I try not to care in areas where I care too much, like Chris, but it just makes me upset. What makes me the most upset of all is that when he's home he plays games 2x's more (imo) and so I get even less out of him from texting... AND half the time I have to ask to come over and he never seems enthusiastic about seeing me, even though we just went almost 2 weeks without seeing each other, except like 10 minutes. And that hurts me the worst. Because I want him to want me, and to want to see me, and to want to hold me and kiss me and to tell me he loves me, but unless I'm right in front of him, I feel like he never has that desire... He never tells me he wants to do any of those things. Whyyyyy?
I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I ruin everything. I feel too much. I'm a bad person. I hate myself. Why am I alive? I shouldn't exist.