I don't want to be here. I want to leave. Forget everyone and everything and just go. No conviction. No phone, no previous life. Because I'm sad, and that's what I want to do. But there's no way I could do that. I just started college, have NO source of income to save money, want to ask people questions, things I have to do... But I'm just so restless. With school canceled and nothing to do, I'm back to being upset. I hate it. I just want to disappear. Go into a coma or something. Take a lot of sleeping pills. Run away. But I can't and I won't because that'd be cowardly. Though, I wonder how much you'd miss me. I wonder how much you'd cry and say "Why?" Even if you'd asked, I wouldn't be able to tell you. This is just how it works. I hate for no reason, you know. I'm hating right now. Fuck you. And the great thing is you have no idea who/what I'm saying that to. But fuck you. Sometimes I don't know what else to do...
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We have a tropical storm/hurricane coming. Headed straight for us. It's called "Isaac". That's why Chris' mom needed that big ford expedition. We aren't evacuating, but school has been canceled. I went to one class today and then I got a text from the emergency thing I signed up for last night that said "Classes cancelled at noon today. Campus closes at 4:30 p.m. today through at least Wednesday." So yup. I'm expecting power outages and shit. Better charge every electrical entertainment device I own... All I'll be able to do is watch the weather turn to shit and worry about my cats. I don't want to play anything. I'd rather be with my boy. I should really clean my room though... Ugh, I just wanna go at my own pace, not have to hurry up and worry because of this storm... Sigh, I'm bored. I wish Chris would text/call/skype me...
Ok, I love having sex with my boy. For multiple reasons. Mostly because it's another, more intimate way to show my love for him. He makes the MOST adorable faces, like... Jesus, he's so goddamn cute. We have fun and get a workout! And I've said all of this before, but like... I really love it. But I'm the one who is always like "Lets have sex!" His body shows it, but he never asks to do it. And I half appreciate it, I half don't, because I want him to say he wants it, first. Before I even say anything. And I don't want him to think that's all I want when we're together. Although we won't see each other as much now because of school, but yeah. I dunno... I'm thinking too much about this... Mmmm... :(
Anyway, update I guess? So last week was my first week of school! But before that, Chris and I went on a date on the 15th for our anniversary. It was fun, we went to the Aquarium! And I saw him the rest of those days until he left Sunday. Yet again, I felt like he didn't want to really hang out... But whatever, it's done. So then school started and I got some supplies and went to school for my first class at 9am. It was nice, and different and I loved it. I'm excited for the rest of college now, and I hope I really stay on track and keep this ball rolling. So far I've been doing pretty good, although I failed my first english quiz... I didn't read the first chapter of the text. >< But yeah, my fundamentals of music class is a joke to me right now, because I know everything she's doing right now, like it isn't even funny. But hey, an easy A, I'll take it. And we've already gotten over 5 pieces of music for UNO Chorale! That's like a lot, it's so different from Doc's lessons and how she teaches/goes over music... But I like it, it's fun, we're all smart in there. (Although I'm the only freshman in UNO Chorale...) Friday was a little hectic for me because I had another class in between english and algebra (A University Success class or whatever), and then I had 10 minutes to get from the Mathematics building to the PAC (Performing Arts Center) which is a bit of a ways away. Because on most of my Fridays I'll have a Recital Hour instead of UNO Chorale, so. It's a music student thing. The weekend started and Chris didn't come home... gas... Sigh... But my dad had a gig in Baton Rouge! How lucky. So I went with him and Chris got me from the high school and we hung out and did stuff and ate stuff and it was fun and I love him and yep... So then we went home around 1:30/2am. I was soooo tired. Got home at 3am or so. Then I went to sleep, super quick. But then I woke up, and my mother told me that Hurricane Isaac is heading straight for us, pretty much. So wee, hurricane... I have a party to attend later, at Khadija's house, wooo. And Chris is not talking to me at all right now. I expect he's gaming/frustrated/packing to come home. Because his mom NEEDS the expedition, the car he's using (because his car is kinda broken). So, cool. I probably won't see him while he's home though... That fucking sucks, but I assume he wouldn't want to see me anyway, since we saw each other Saturday... WELP, I feel yucky emotionally, when I started writing this I felt ok, but now I'm like... upset... Body language of the people around me, and remembering and realizing some things made me upset. So bleh, I'm going to go to the mall real quick. Later. I really just love to fucking ruin my relationships don't I. I'm so fucking damaged. I want to go drown myself. I HATE THIS. I need help, but not from a fucking psychiatrist. One day he'll really get to his limit and drop me, and I'll be broken so much more. And I just started putting the pieces back together slowly. I'm a paranoid bitch, who worries, and gets jealous easily, but I didn't used to be. Well, fuck who I used to be, this is who I am now, but I don't want to be anymore. I don't know how to change though, so suicide is in the back of my mind. But fuck that, I'm too afraid to even attempt. I just wonder how great everyone's life would be without me. Really, how important AM I? Something serious would have to happen for me to realize just how much I mean to the people who mean the most to me. I wish I were treated like a princess all the time, but that's so unrealistic it's funny. I wish I were treated with respect all the time too, but some days it just doesn't happen. I wish I were amazing enough to swallow all of my problems and not bother Chris or anyone with them. I wish I didn't make poor Chris frustrated or angry, but I do. I wish I didn't have to bother him with anything, but he WANTS me to speak my mind. When I do he gets upset a lot... And I wish I could help him... But he won't let me. And I hate it. I want people to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to them. But people get busy. Jobs to work, games to play, books to read. I feel like I'm the only one who has nothing to do. I'm such a loser. I hate myself a lot lately. But I don't want to anymore... I want to be happy. I want to be happy! And... Chris and I are going to the Aquarium Wednesday, so... I'll be happy then. I just wish I were happy NOW.
now that I'm more awake I've been forgetting a lot more of it, but I just had like a full-length movie in my head.there was a new disease, like zombies, but you turned into huge ugly cannible monkey things (resembled chewbaka). And Charlie Sheen was a big executive of this company, that runs on water? I remember when they were all running at te end, from the building they had crystal glasses full of water that kept the tower running, somehow... It was weird, and I wasn't in it. But even before that, I dreamt that I had a party/garage sale, and a few old friends came to it. And Ryan came, with his new GF (only it wasn't his current GF? Confused, brain). And somehow our back yard turned into a field? and we climbed trees, Well Ryan did. And his girlfriend sucked. It was funny. Eventually we went to sit down on a couch they had and I was quietly insulting this girl. I dunno, I thought she was retarded. And then when she wasn't looking Ryan kissed me! O.o
I was like, 'whoa, bro' but the dream ended, I woke up for something... Weird. I have been having vividly weird ALMOST realistic dreams lately... Mmmm... You forget about me. It's not ok. I don't even fucking know. I'll be goddamn waiting for him to text me something, ANYTHING, and accidentally fall asleep, and at least 4/5 hours later I have nothing to wake up to. If I don't text him, I won't get a good night, I fucking bet you. And it kinda hurts. I'm upset. I'm disappointed, definitely. I hate waiting. I hate how you use games and your ADD as your excuses. I say I don't hate a lot, but I guess I'm full of it. And now I can't sleep because I'm thinking about this and how I hate how you care about her and how I hate seeing her face on my facebook... I keep thinking how I want to post everything to my wall, or on twitter, see what others think, but I don't. And I've told you it bothers me but you do nothing about it. Now maybe if it were during the day, and I were watching TV, I was preoccupied, going 4/5 hours would be ok, but when I know you forgot about me at night, that you could go without saying good night, it hurts, and I'm not ok with it. Why do you have to game more at night... Fucking night owl gamers. I hate you all... But I love you. And that's why I'm upset. I care. I almost wish I didn't care this much... It fucking hurts to care... Gonna go cry god fucking damnit!
I want to be Kasumi Ishiki from King of Thorn. I found the perfect dress at Forever 21 today, so, yeah! It's a BIT shorter than Kasumi's dress in volume 5, and has slight differences? But it's fine. Not like anyone will notice/care at the con... And I can wear it multiple times, for multiple situations, multiple occasions; so, very good purchase! I'm excited, I really can't wait for MechaCon! <3 PLUS, it'll be Christian and Chris's first anime convention! WOOHOO! Black dress - BOUGHT
Plain white dress shirt (long sleeved with breast pocket) - NEED Plain black bracelet (that I will modify) - NEED Circular glasses - NEED Hair cut (bangs) - NEED Black plain lanyard - NEED ID card - MADE I don't know what to do. I really want to talk to Chris, but I'm not because I'm afraid. I'm afraid he's gaming and will continue to ignore me. I'm afraid he might be in a bad mood again. I'm afraid of how he will reply. I miss him. I thought about him all day, mostly because I was worried about him, but my heart hurts. I miss my boy, and I just wish he'd talk to me, because I love him and he's totally awesome. I don't take him for granted do I? I love him with my whole heart, and I can just hope he loves me the same.
I hate feeling the need for attention. I blame it on being a Leo and Easton. I hate it. There are a few things I hate actually... I hate myself. I'm always so stressed. I want to go. To disappear... I just want to float away... Would you come with me if I asked? Probably not. No one would. I'm alone. I feel out of place. I want to go home. "Home is where the heart is." Can you guess where mine is? I just want to go home. Cry in your arms. Let you make me feel better. Let you kiss me. I need you. You help me more than anyone else... More than you think. More than you realize, baby... A single "I love you too" makes everything SO much better, for me. I'm not completely happy, but you know... Just knowing he loves me even though he's in such a bad mood, just the fact that he replied... Makes me feel better, loved, appreciated. Maybe I'll be able to see him later. I can only hope. I love the boy. BTW, we're super cute. ;)
I HATE MYSELF. I hate how I ultimately make everything EVER worse. And I just want to scream and cry because I want Chris to be happy. And I'm sure it was my fault that he's in this mood he's in now. Because I hung out with Anthony today. And he hates Anthony... But regardless, he's my best friend! I'm not going to stop talking to and hanging out with him because Chris hates him. Just like he won't stop talking to Brandi even though I hate her! Those are the fucking rules! I don't know if he got in a worse mood because of something else, but I know that's part of it, it has to be. And since his bad mood is partially my fault, I want to see him and talk with him and try to cheer him up. But he down right refused. I can finally fucking drive over there, and he's like "Leave me alone". Why is that ok? I thought... I thought cheering your partner up was part of the responsibility of dating them? Why won't he even let me try?
I'm so goddamn fucking upset about it. It's like, sometimes I don't know what the fuck is going on in this relationship. I love him, but we both... I have depression mood swings, and when he gets upset he becomes a hermit. Neither of us like that about the other. He gets frustrated when I get depressed, and I get upset and depressed when he's in these moods. So I'm sitting here crying, and I can't feel better, because he's in a bad ass mood. And I actually had a pretty good start of the day. Now it's turned to ABSOLUTE FUCKING SHIT and there's NOTHING I can do about it! |