They'll basically hear everything from me (and Chris) except for most of the popular pop shit, and rap, and country. Although if they end up liking it, then sure, I wouldn't say no. Everyone deserves to like what they like and listen to what they listen to. But as children they will get some good stuff! Nostalgic - 90's - and electronic music from me, and yeah! We'll see how life goes before I REALLY decide if I do, in fact, want children/a child. :)
My future children (if I decide to have any, which it's a lot more of a possibility now than it used to be, definitely) will have great music taste, especially if Chris and I get married. They will grow up listening to BT, Above & Beyond, Flux Pavilion, and other electronic artists. Trance, electronica, techno, drum & bass, ambient, these will be what they mostly hear. But that isn't the only thing I'm into, and neither is it for Chris. It's what we listen to MOST and our favorite, but we listen to other stuff. Like jazz, they'll get the Cowboy Bebop OST often, I assume. Soft rock, like Coldplay, Enya, possibly the Celtic Women (cause their sound is pretty), and others, from me. Three Doors Down, a little Aerosmith, John Mayer, Broadway, Classical, I have plenty of Pandora radio's of things I like. And when they're OLDER Crystal Castles, and maybe metal, and things with screaming, and more explicit content. Unless they find it on their own, then whatevs. I dunno what Chris would bring to the table, but it would be promising. XD
They'll basically hear everything from me (and Chris) except for most of the popular pop shit, and rap, and country. Although if they end up liking it, then sure, I wouldn't say no. Everyone deserves to like what they like and listen to what they listen to. But as children they will get some good stuff! Nostalgic - 90's - and electronic music from me, and yeah! We'll see how life goes before I REALLY decide if I do, in fact, want children/a child. :)
0 Comments
I ruin everything right? Yesterday sucked except for a few times. The only good time was when we watched Doctor Who, and I told him what was wrong, only because he made it funny and less sad... But now he's in an awful mood, and I think when I left he turned into a grouch too. I had a migraine/nausea/hot flash thing going on and on top of that was sobbing, so I couldn't drive myself home. So Chris brought me home, and I left my car there, but I felt like he was utterly unhappy about it. Which made me even more upset, and I couldn't tell him that I was sorry either... I feel like it's MY fault he's in such a terrible mood, and I don't know why. Maybe it isn't my fault, but it would make me feel better if he'd tell me what was wrong. That would be called taking my feelings into consideration... And apparently, I can't call him "my knight in shining armor" for another unknown reason. I understand he likes to keep to himself sometimes, but once it starts hindering MY happiness, it's troubling. I just want a SIMPLE explanation, not long or drawn out, or emotional, or whatever, just simple. A sentence. I feel like it is only fair that he give me something in return for answering every question he ever asks me. For telling him what's wrong when I don't want to. (because he then gets pissed if I don't want to tell him, and I don't want that...)
I just want to know WHY. Why is he upset right now? Is it because of me? Is it because you might have to bring my car over here? Is it your mom? One of your online friends? And what about? Is that too much to ask? I'm distraught, and I've gone back to that yucky ugly state I was in last night. I'm hot all over, I have a headache, I don't feel well, and I just want him to make me laugh, like yesterday. That's all I want RIGHT NOW. For him to smile at me and show me how much he loves me by trying his hardest to make me laugh. When he does that I feel like everything will be ok, and I can smile and laugh freely, and I love that about him so much. It's the thing I love most. But, I want HIM to bring my car back and hang out with sick old me for a little bit. Not for too long... Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even want to see me, or hang out with me. Alone time to yourself isn't alone time if you're with Christian. Alone time can still be alone time even though you want to see me. I guess, I don't know what I was trying to get at with that horrible sentence, ew... And yesterday when I asked to come over and he said he was about to take a nap, I told him he still could, but then he got upset and was like "fuck it whatever, forget it, just come" and it hurt me, because he should have taken a nap if he wanted to... And then I got there and for a long time he acted distant, but then he started touching me and pushing me and being his funny self again. I don't understand him sometimes, but... I guess that's something that draws me to him. Because I don't understand him, it gives me more to learn about him... But we've already been together for 7 months. I feel like I should have made more progress than I already have. I don't know, I'm rambling now, but I'm just upset and I wish he weren't upset, and I don't know what's wrong, and I'm upset because he is, and ugh, WHY?! I'm leaving him alone for right now, but we need to talk about the car return later... And I need a shower to wash away the tears and blood. Oh yeah, I'm pms-ing, so... AND SO, this post screams to me why I hate myself. I can't leave anything alone. I need to know everything. And I'm a bit clingy (admittedly better than I used to be though). I make Chris feel bad and it's my fault. This shit is what I wanted to say to Chris yesterday but I only got a little bit out because when I get really upset I just tend to fucking sob and no words form. So yeah, I fucking hate myself, I don't know how he puts up with me. GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. And now I can't help but cry and think about how amazing he is. I guess the real question is, am I someone worth fighting for? Through thick and thin? Am I someone you love or someone you want? No... You love me, AND you want me, right? You won't give up on me will you? I could never give up on you no matter how I feel at that time, it always gets better. I work so hard for you, do you work hard for me too? Will we have more fun hilarious times? Will you maybe propose to me someday? Well, that's definitely too soon a question, but I wonder if you'd think about it. What are my pros and cons? You have them too. I love and hate your flaws, because they make up who you are, and I don't want someone different. Do you consider yourself lucky to have me? Am I one of a kind? You wouldn't trade anything about me for something else, would you? Because I'm not perfect and I have my flaws, but that is every human on the planet. Perfect people don't exist. Anyway, will you go on adventures with me? Will we play games and continue to build forts for a long time? Will we always be friends? Will you always love me? Oops, another too early in life question.
I wonder who I'll marry one day. Will it be you? Will he be an asshole? Will he be an angel in disguise? I don't date someone without looking at the potential for marriage, and I guess, a possible family with said person. Wow, you've changed me, boy. I didn't even WANT kids, but now that's a different story. Not getting into that whole thing, but it really shows what love can do... What have you changed and done for me, because YOU wanted to? I'd hope you would have an answer for that question. Relationships are two-sided, and you change for the better of the other person. (Hint: you can't use ADD as an excuse forever.) You love me. I'm so happy to have someone who loves and cares about me, even though the thing he's worried about most right now is my knee of all silly things, hahah. But it's so hard for me, because I feel like the little boy who cried wolf even though I'm serious all the time, about my depression and when I'm having a hard time, and no one talks to me, or they give up on me, and I don't understand why people do that, so I feel like it's hard to believe somebody could love someone like me. And even though you hate when I'm depressed and don't talk to me as much as I would like, to make it better, I know you care. I know it hurts you, and I'm sorry, and I wish I could make it go away forever, so we could both be happy all the time. Because that's all I want is for you and I to be happy, and to be happy TOGETHER. I'm so happy you love me... At the end of the day, I like us. And I think that's all that matters. That's all I care about. And I want to thank you for being with me. I love you. All of this was inspired by a tumblr post I saw lololololol I haven't written anything in a while because I never felt the need, but I'm so sad and distraught and down right hurt that I just had to put something.
I'm feeling so down and yucky and bad and I WANT someone to help me, mostly Chris, but he just up and stopped. I'm so fucking upset that I said for no one to talk to me, but I didn't mean the literally I'm just pissed for no real reason, other than the fact that Chris never fucking talks to me. And I'm really sad about it, and I want HIM to talk to ME more. I want him to make an effort with this, because I make an effort to fix everything he asks of me, and try my best in our relationship. But it hasn't gotten to me in a really long time, because I was trying not to be so clingy and ugly and dependent on him. But today I'm losing everything, my self control, my happiness, my independence, and I don't know why. PMS? I wouldn't know, it's never been this emotionally draining or bad before, so I don't know. But I was crying out for help by saying I wanted to be left alone and he goes and replies on twitter with "k". I don't think words can express how upset I am by his total unwillingness to help when I'm upset. I want him to make me laugh and feel better. There are thousands of things he could say to me. He has no fucking trouble when Alysia feels like this, but when I do, I get nothing. He's tried, I guess, with "-kiss-, -cuddle-, -hug-, and I love you." But none of those things are encouraging or helpful to my current state of being. Or maybe he should call me and just shush me, or skype me and make silly faces or read something funny to me, or send me funny videos. I don't know, anything is better than what he's given me. "k"... I love when he tells me "I love you" but when I'm sobbing or something, not JUST that phrase will work and magically make everything better. I don't know, he's never had to deal with this before me, so he doesn't know how, I guess, but it REALLY FUCKING HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND JUST GIVES UP IN TRYING. I'm going to scream. I'm going to have to go in my car tonight and just cry. I can't risk waking everyone up again. Ugh... I feel so bad, so terrible... I want to kill myself. "Love you." and "I love you." are different. They have different meanings. And I'm not the only one this applies for, it actually applies to most people. "Love you" is a lot less formal, and does NOT give off the loving caring vibe you would want from a life partner. "I love you" is more sincere, and meaningful. It strikes clearer in the heart of the one you love and tells them that indeed, you do love them.
This is how it goes for me. And I guess because it isn't that way for Chris, it doesn't bother me as much as normal, but I would definitely rather "I love you." He used to say "I love you" every night... Now he only really says it when I'm upset or something... Even then he hasn't done it in a while... Why? Lately it's just been "Love you."... It feels different, and I truly don't like it. It almost makes me feel like your love is diminishing... Because you say it so much less than you used to... Why...? Why do I feel like he tries to cheer up Alysia more than me? Just because she wants attention and posts shit about killing herself. She won't. She literally told me she wants attention, and that's why she's saying that. She wants people to listen to her. And we all do... I'm so sick and tired of it. And he goes along with it. But if I were to post that stuff I wouldn't get a constructed response just "...?" ... I don't think it's wrong of me to be upset about this. And just because I don't fucking post that I want to kill myself all over fucking Facebook and twitter doesn't mean that I don't actually think about it a lot. Because that isn't something you can just stop. I mean, I've been suicidal since 6th grade. I've come to deal with it in every day thinking. Some days I want to go through with it more than others, but I never do. I'm not important enough to be noticed. Only my mom ever noticed. I don't want to scream to the world that I want to kill myself, why would I? Cause more drama, and hate and worry. I'd rather just do it and have my existence fade away. Alysia needs help, but not for suicidal thoughts, for her need for attention. It's an addiction that is not getting fulfilled so she's resorting to this. She needs to stop.
I wish I could rely on him. I told him something that was scary for me. It really was. It's nothing to laugh about, or to take lightly because I'm in tears thinking about it. My last relationship must have damaged me, traumatized me, in a way I don't know how to fix. Electronics are all around us. But seriously, I am upset. And he just... ignores me. It hurts. I wish he would say something like "You know I would never do that..." or SOMETHING. Get me into a better mood, dumb-butt. And I was already partially upset because he hasn't come to one thing I've performed in this semester. I can understand, they are at bad times, like at 1pm on Friday and the last one was at 7:30pm Tuesday... But this concert is on a Saturday at 7pm... Still, weekend before finals... I'm just a little hurt. Ok? I'm going to complain. I haven't in a while and I deserve to let my feelings out to SOMETHING every now and then. I'm going to go watch/read Kamisama Kiss now, and hopefully I'll laugh...
|