I'm at my wits end.
And that's the end of the story.
Good bye.
So maybe I will.
I'm at my wits end. And that's the end of the story. Good bye.
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It's weird how relationships change daily. How one day you can be all lovey-dovey and the next day just... not get along for whatever reason. Or one day being super happy with each other, and the next, breaking up over what show to watch...
Just to make clear... (fuck, more tears...) ANYWAY, just to make sure we're all good here, everyone knows I complain a lot... Although I thought, at least on the surface, I've been geting better at that. But I'm giving Chris a hard time, because there are things one should just DO. And I want him to know, even if we don't make it, it will always be that way. Women will make demands on him, that he might not like. If I'm not the one... If he finds someone so much more amazing than I, someone he feels he cannot live without, but she makes some demands, like I do... He's going to have to learn how to deal with it, and just give in every now and then, or... proceed to not succeed in relationships. I love him so much. I do. I hope we stay together for so much longer, if he can deal with me. And vice versa. He's a good boy, there are just relationship things he doesn't get sometimes. He doesn't get why one has to do such things. But they are just... kind of expected and appreciated in any relationship. You have to understand, we're friends, but we aren't just good friends who have sex. That's called friends with benefits, and I did not sign up for that. I signed up for a partner in emotional and physiological things as well as being good friend, and the sex. So I do expect some things from him, it's only natural. He expects of me too, even though he doesn't think he does. He expects me to know what he's thinking, and to know that if he tells me something once, I won't do it again. I'm a creature of habit, they are hard to break. He gets mad when I don't do what he think is expected. Our views on that subject are definitely different, but still the same. This is not an apology. Just an I love him, and hope he sincerely understands that, no matter what, post. Even if I'm scorching mad at him. Even if he's so mad at me. Even if I refuse to apologize. I still love him. And always, always will. Forever... I can never say anything because I'm always wrong. Always. Chris is ALWAYS right.
Fuck I can't even write what I wanted to because I'm crying so hard. I'm so upset. All I wanted was an apology. Chris has never once apologized to me for anything. So since he was definitely in the wrong this time, I thought I could get one. But no. He still thinks he was in the right. HE WAS NOT. Regardless, for any reason, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO CALL ME STUPID, IDIOT, RETARDED, MORON, OR DUMB WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. OR UNLESS YOU'RE ME. WHICH I'M THE ONLY AMANDA JANE BARROIS, 5"2', FEMALE, STUDENT AT UNO, THAT I FUCKING KNOW. And now my face feels like it's cracking because of all the tear marks, and my eyes will be sore and hurt tomorrow. And red and puffy. Because once I'm this upset that doesn't just go away. I'm hurt. Chris has hurt me. So much so that I don't even want to talk to him. I won't apologize for anything this time. Will this be the end? I hope not, but I am not taking responsibility for repairing this, this time.I always go and clear things up and am good and I apologize because I love him so. And just because we've gotten into this fight, it doesn't mean I don't still love him dearly. But sometimes he really can make me SO FUCKING MAD. And I just let it go. Well, not this time, because him calling me an idiot, FOR ANY REASON, was uncalled for, and is just out of the question. I don't care who you fucking are, only I am allowed to call myself any of those aforementioned things. For any reason. I just couldn't handle him, or the text-yelling, so I turned off my phone. I got off of Facebook. I'm going to get off of twitter soon after this is published. Skype is off. Unless you comment on this, there will be no way to get in touch with me... But I've never gotten a comment here before... Also, because I have alarms on my phone that I need to wake up to in the morning, I'll have to turn it on later... WAY later tonight. I don't know when... I've only ever done this once, and it was the day Easton broke up with me. I never turn off my phone for long. Because when I do, bad things seem to happen, like my boyfriend changes his relationship status to "single"... But so help me any deity out there, I will stick to this. I'm so upset... I wish you see my face and hear how I sound to understand, but you can't, and I'm sure as hell not making a video of me crying while creating this. All I can do now is hope Chris sees the error of his ways and does something about it. And watch/read Card Captor Sakura. And cry and get it out of my system. Guys, I'm not ok. Someone help me, please... I used to dream I would get married to that boy. I thought he was the one, and I was so happy... But when it turned out to be untrue, and my whole world came crashing down, I was lost. How cliche to say this, but then I was found. Chris found me. I found him. By coincidence, my best friend introduced us, kind of. First thought? "He's kind of cute... And he doesn't even care I'm here." He made an impression on me that day, even though his nose was in his phone talking to the girl he really liked at the time. But I still had the chance to get close to him, and I guess I made an impression on him too. :)
It's amazing how things change. I didn't hate Easton at the beginning, but as time went by I gradually started to. But now, I don't care. We're even friends lately. And to be honest, I really hope he and this new girl he likes make it, unlike he and I. I hope he goes up in the ranks of jobs and finds something he really enjoys doing. I hope she doesn't pressure him into something, like college, or a job he doesn't like, like I almost did. I hope they take it slow like Chris and I are (well, we haven't taken it slow in the sex department, but you know what I mean). I even hope I get to meet her one day because she's important to him. And he is important to me. He knows the most about me, out of anyone, and I can guarantee this. He was a big impact on my life, and he changed me, I think for the better in most aspects. And we're friends. He'll always listen to me complain and hate life, and give me good advice or comfort about it. He's a pretty good guy, he's just not one for commitment, like I wanted. Chris is the same way, he's not ready for ANY kind of commitment... But I hope he keeps me around long enough to maybe even look into that light... I have to admit, I am so glad that Chris asked me out and we started dating. In many ways he's SO MUCH BETTER than Easton ever could have been. Especially lately, because when we're together he stops playing games and hangs out with me even though I don't ask him to. And he hugs me and holds me. He loves me, and squeezes me, and kisses me, and ho man, I'm gonna cry! When we're together, he's THERE for me. For everything. Even when I'm so upset and crying, and even when I don't want to, he makes me tell him what's wrong which inevitably makes me feel a whole lot better. I feel like I could never thank him enough for caring for broken old me. He's helping put back the pieces that Easton broke, and even though I'm still not all there, I'm getting better. Even the depression. Instead of lasting for multiple awful hours, it's down to about an hour or so. Before Easton broke up with me I had almost 0 depression. But I guess it was really traumatic for some reason and now I have chronic depression and loneliness. And I'm always scared. I'm afraid of him, and what he'll do, because I don't know his habits fully, and I don't know who he talks to, I don't know all of him, except for that he gets angry easily, and is a relatively happy person. But I love him even though I'm scared. Even though a lot of the time I'm afraid, because I think to much and think "What's going to happen?" and then end up trying to push him away, even though that's the last thing I want to do... But he still loves me. After all the words I've written, all the sentences I have spoken, the negative, the wonderful, the fearful... Never had I imagined to find someone so amazing in this way. And he always thinks of me too, and sends me silly things every now and then. And sometimes I make him upset and I try to apologize, but he just says to forget it. And I'm STILL afraid, but he's holding my hand, and the fear is getting less and less as days go on. But it might take a while... Will he still be there when it's gone? Is it ok to give my whole heart to him, not just pieces? These are questions I can't answer. But he told me, very clearly, and more than once... I've said "Don't give up on me." And he's replied, "I won't." And with everything we have been through, this I can say... I believe him. Something amazing I find about Chris is that I don't know his inner working at all. I never know what he's thinking, although sometimes I can guess what words or actions he'll take. Also, he's so hard to buy presents for! >< ... Man... How things change, right? Chris and I keep getting closer, and have gone longer than anyone else I've ever been with/had feelings for. And my feelings grow more and more everyday. But I've let myself slip and have used these lines, "if we get married," or "if we ever live together," and I need to stop. Maybe after we've been together for a full year or two and are thinking about independent living, we/I can think about those things. I'm afraid I'll scare him off. Something else I'm afraid of, because it's happened before... But I like to think of the future, that future. I hope we can talk about these things in mutual agreement one day. That will be a happy day. Also he did say "we" when I asked if we could get a dragon. XD He was like "If we can afford it, we can get a Komodo dragon." That made me really happy, even though he might not have seriously meant it the way I would have liked. I just told him not to ruin it, and he obliged. As long as I was happy. ... What brought all of this on, was marriage songs. Like, the first song you and your spouse dance to as a new couple? Yeah... And it made me think, and reflect, and feel love for the possible future. And now I just think, "What will this song be?" I can't wait for the day we choose that song. :) Is that no matter how many times I tell you or ask for something, you don't do it. And that's what pisses me off. I don't see what's so hard about what I've asked of you. Jesus.
My future children (if I decide to have any, which it's a lot more of a possibility now than it used to be, definitely) will have great music taste, especially if Chris and I get married. They will grow up listening to BT, Above & Beyond, Flux Pavilion, and other electronic artists. Trance, electronica, techno, drum & bass, ambient, these will be what they mostly hear. But that isn't the only thing I'm into, and neither is it for Chris. It's what we listen to MOST and our favorite, but we listen to other stuff. Like jazz, they'll get the Cowboy Bebop OST often, I assume. Soft rock, like Coldplay, Enya, possibly the Celtic Women (cause their sound is pretty), and others, from me. Three Doors Down, a little Aerosmith, John Mayer, Broadway, Classical, I have plenty of Pandora radio's of things I like. And when they're OLDER Crystal Castles, and maybe metal, and things with screaming, and more explicit content. Unless they find it on their own, then whatevs. I dunno what Chris would bring to the table, but it would be promising. XD
They'll basically hear everything from me (and Chris) except for most of the popular pop shit, and rap, and country. Although if they end up liking it, then sure, I wouldn't say no. Everyone deserves to like what they like and listen to what they listen to. But as children they will get some good stuff! Nostalgic - 90's - and electronic music from me, and yeah! We'll see how life goes before I REALLY decide if I do, in fact, want children/a child. :) I ruin everything right? Yesterday sucked except for a few times. The only good time was when we watched Doctor Who, and I told him what was wrong, only because he made it funny and less sad... But now he's in an awful mood, and I think when I left he turned into a grouch too. I had a migraine/nausea/hot flash thing going on and on top of that was sobbing, so I couldn't drive myself home. So Chris brought me home, and I left my car there, but I felt like he was utterly unhappy about it. Which made me even more upset, and I couldn't tell him that I was sorry either... I feel like it's MY fault he's in such a terrible mood, and I don't know why. Maybe it isn't my fault, but it would make me feel better if he'd tell me what was wrong. That would be called taking my feelings into consideration... And apparently, I can't call him "my knight in shining armor" for another unknown reason. I understand he likes to keep to himself sometimes, but once it starts hindering MY happiness, it's troubling. I just want a SIMPLE explanation, not long or drawn out, or emotional, or whatever, just simple. A sentence. I feel like it is only fair that he give me something in return for answering every question he ever asks me. For telling him what's wrong when I don't want to. (because he then gets pissed if I don't want to tell him, and I don't want that...)
I just want to know WHY. Why is he upset right now? Is it because of me? Is it because you might have to bring my car over here? Is it your mom? One of your online friends? And what about? Is that too much to ask? I'm distraught, and I've gone back to that yucky ugly state I was in last night. I'm hot all over, I have a headache, I don't feel well, and I just want him to make me laugh, like yesterday. That's all I want RIGHT NOW. For him to smile at me and show me how much he loves me by trying his hardest to make me laugh. When he does that I feel like everything will be ok, and I can smile and laugh freely, and I love that about him so much. It's the thing I love most. But, I want HIM to bring my car back and hang out with sick old me for a little bit. Not for too long... Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even want to see me, or hang out with me. Alone time to yourself isn't alone time if you're with Christian. Alone time can still be alone time even though you want to see me. I guess, I don't know what I was trying to get at with that horrible sentence, ew... And yesterday when I asked to come over and he said he was about to take a nap, I told him he still could, but then he got upset and was like "fuck it whatever, forget it, just come" and it hurt me, because he should have taken a nap if he wanted to... And then I got there and for a long time he acted distant, but then he started touching me and pushing me and being his funny self again. I don't understand him sometimes, but... I guess that's something that draws me to him. Because I don't understand him, it gives me more to learn about him... But we've already been together for 7 months. I feel like I should have made more progress than I already have. I don't know, I'm rambling now, but I'm just upset and I wish he weren't upset, and I don't know what's wrong, and I'm upset because he is, and ugh, WHY?! I'm leaving him alone for right now, but we need to talk about the car return later... And I need a shower to wash away the tears and blood. Oh yeah, I'm pms-ing, so... AND SO, this post screams to me why I hate myself. I can't leave anything alone. I need to know everything. And I'm a bit clingy (admittedly better than I used to be though). I make Chris feel bad and it's my fault. This shit is what I wanted to say to Chris yesterday but I only got a little bit out because when I get really upset I just tend to fucking sob and no words form. So yeah, I fucking hate myself, I don't know how he puts up with me. GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. And now I can't help but cry and think about how amazing he is. I guess the real question is, am I someone worth fighting for? Through thick and thin? Am I someone you love or someone you want? No... You love me, AND you want me, right? You won't give up on me will you? I could never give up on you no matter how I feel at that time, it always gets better. I work so hard for you, do you work hard for me too? Will we have more fun hilarious times? Will you maybe propose to me someday? Well, that's definitely too soon a question, but I wonder if you'd think about it. What are my pros and cons? You have them too. I love and hate your flaws, because they make up who you are, and I don't want someone different. Do you consider yourself lucky to have me? Am I one of a kind? You wouldn't trade anything about me for something else, would you? Because I'm not perfect and I have my flaws, but that is every human on the planet. Perfect people don't exist. Anyway, will you go on adventures with me? Will we play games and continue to build forts for a long time? Will we always be friends? Will you always love me? Oops, another too early in life question.
I wonder who I'll marry one day. Will it be you? Will he be an asshole? Will he be an angel in disguise? I don't date someone without looking at the potential for marriage, and I guess, a possible family with said person. Wow, you've changed me, boy. I didn't even WANT kids, but now that's a different story. Not getting into that whole thing, but it really shows what love can do... What have you changed and done for me, because YOU wanted to? I'd hope you would have an answer for that question. Relationships are two-sided, and you change for the better of the other person. (Hint: you can't use ADD as an excuse forever.) You love me. I'm so happy to have someone who loves and cares about me, even though the thing he's worried about most right now is my knee of all silly things, hahah. But it's so hard for me, because I feel like the little boy who cried wolf even though I'm serious all the time, about my depression and when I'm having a hard time, and no one talks to me, or they give up on me, and I don't understand why people do that, so I feel like it's hard to believe somebody could love someone like me. And even though you hate when I'm depressed and don't talk to me as much as I would like, to make it better, I know you care. I know it hurts you, and I'm sorry, and I wish I could make it go away forever, so we could both be happy all the time. Because that's all I want is for you and I to be happy, and to be happy TOGETHER. I'm so happy you love me... At the end of the day, I like us. And I think that's all that matters. That's all I care about. And I want to thank you for being with me. I love you. All of this was inspired by a tumblr post I saw lololololol I haven't written anything in a while because I never felt the need, but I'm so sad and distraught and down right hurt that I just had to put something.
I'm feeling so down and yucky and bad and I WANT someone to help me, mostly Chris, but he just up and stopped. I'm so fucking upset that I said for no one to talk to me, but I didn't mean the literally I'm just pissed for no real reason, other than the fact that Chris never fucking talks to me. And I'm really sad about it, and I want HIM to talk to ME more. I want him to make an effort with this, because I make an effort to fix everything he asks of me, and try my best in our relationship. But it hasn't gotten to me in a really long time, because I was trying not to be so clingy and ugly and dependent on him. But today I'm losing everything, my self control, my happiness, my independence, and I don't know why. PMS? I wouldn't know, it's never been this emotionally draining or bad before, so I don't know. But I was crying out for help by saying I wanted to be left alone and he goes and replies on twitter with "k". I don't think words can express how upset I am by his total unwillingness to help when I'm upset. I want him to make me laugh and feel better. There are thousands of things he could say to me. He has no fucking trouble when Alysia feels like this, but when I do, I get nothing. He's tried, I guess, with "-kiss-, -cuddle-, -hug-, and I love you." But none of those things are encouraging or helpful to my current state of being. Or maybe he should call me and just shush me, or skype me and make silly faces or read something funny to me, or send me funny videos. I don't know, anything is better than what he's given me. "k"... I love when he tells me "I love you" but when I'm sobbing or something, not JUST that phrase will work and magically make everything better. I don't know, he's never had to deal with this before me, so he doesn't know how, I guess, but it REALLY FUCKING HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND JUST GIVES UP IN TRYING. I'm going to scream. I'm going to have to go in my car tonight and just cry. I can't risk waking everyone up again. Ugh... I feel so bad, so terrible... I want to kill myself. "Love you." and "I love you." are different. They have different meanings. And I'm not the only one this applies for, it actually applies to most people. "Love you" is a lot less formal, and does NOT give off the loving caring vibe you would want from a life partner. "I love you" is more sincere, and meaningful. It strikes clearer in the heart of the one you love and tells them that indeed, you do love them.
This is how it goes for me. And I guess because it isn't that way for Chris, it doesn't bother me as much as normal, but I would definitely rather "I love you." He used to say "I love you" every night... Now he only really says it when I'm upset or something... Even then he hasn't done it in a while... Why? Lately it's just been "Love you."... It feels different, and I truly don't like it. It almost makes me feel like your love is diminishing... Because you say it so much less than you used to... Why...? |